11 Things Men Should NEVER Say To A Woman

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“You missed a spot.”

Any sort of “get back in the kitchen” comment, really...just, no. It may not sound like it could be taken offensively and that’s part of why I’m writing this column. You’re not aware enough or sensitive enough to possibly perceive how else someone could take a comment. It’s not ALWAYS because you’re a narcissist. Sometimes it’s because you’re not thinking.

 

“You wouldn’t understand it.”

Because her brain’s too small? Because she’s not as smart as you? Because you know more than her? Huh? What won’t she understand? The answer: nothing. And hey, there are some things she may not understand. That doesn’t mean you get to dismiss her. You have to use your brain cells and your jaw muscles and attempt to explain it.

 

“Don’t be a c*nt.”

Just because they took back the word doesn’t mean it’s okay for us to use it. Hell, some women hate it when other women use it. Just eliminate the C word (and dare I say B word?) from your vocabulary. 

 

“Those bangs make your face look wide.”

This one was learned from personal experience. The words “wide,” “large,” or “big” must never be uttered when referring to any physical aspect of any woman. In fact, don’t even try to compliment a woman in any way regarding her size or weight. It just leads you down that primrose path to hell. Call me shallow, call me behind the times, ladies, but let’s see how you’d feel. Sometimes a cliché's a cliché because it’s true.

 

“You’re wrong.”

She may not always be right, but she’s never wrong. Just ask The Doctor. Or Rory.

 

“Never send a woman to do a man’s job.”

WHAT A BIG MAN YOU ARE! Okay, Al Pacino reference aside…really? Really? REALLY? There’s just no room for this kind of misogyny in today’s world. Does it exist? Yes. I don’t know if it will one day be eradicated but it doesn’t have to be propagated. There’s no excuse for this kind of ass-backwards abusive speech. Period. If you mean it as a joke, you better be on really good terms with her.

 

“Things are getting kind of hairy down there, Jungle Jane.”

If she decides to shave, it’s a privilege and must be appreciated as such. She can do whatever she wants “down there” and you’re going to like it. Or else, you won’t be seeing “down there” for a very long time. Don’t evict yourself from your favorite vacation spot.

 

“What is it, your period?”

“[She’ll] knock ya inta tomorrow, Rock.” Ever get punched in the nuts? Do you want to? No? Then don’t say this.

 

“YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO GIVE HEAD!”

It doesn’t matter if it’s true. Just lie and say you don’t like getting blowjobs. She probably won’t believe you. Deny, DENY, DENY!!!! They say you should always be honest with your partner…we’ve found the exception, folks.

 

“That’s not the way my mother makes it.”

Never, eeeeeeever, compare your girlfriend/spouse/significant other to your mother. Your mother is the woman who all of the others will have to measure up against. And she doesn’t want to be your mother. She probably doesn’t like your mother. It’s a territorial and Oedipal thing. Just leave your mother out of the whole relationship, honestly.

 

“What? It’s just a kitten.”

It’s not. It’s a delivery device for adorableness. Don’t ask how. Just accept it. If it’s you or the kitten, not exactly Sophie’s choice.

 

There are things you shouldn’t say and then there are things you just DON’T, F*CKING, SAY! Men have learned the hard way when they put their foot in their mouths and their heads up their asses — and sometimes both at the same time (it might be listed as a special skill). Some guys just don’t get it, though. They just keep digging. See, we say one thing wrong then we try to cover and say something right, which ends up being something worse. We aren’t all conscious of our misogyny. We aren’t all aware when we let out that inner pig. Here are 11 things that no man should ever say to a woman, in hopes that it may save one young man from a moment he’ll wish for a giant shark to leap out of the wall and gobble him up.