How To Date Any Woman

MAYBE SHE'S THE BARTENDER WITH THE 10,000-WATT SMILE telling dirty jokes to the regulars. Or the platinum-haired singer picking out "Paint It Black" on her guitar.

She's the girl you figure every guy wants—so you wonder if you even have a shot. Thankfully, new research gives us all encouragement. To start with, no matter what you think your "type" of woman is—athletic, outgoing, brainy—it probably won't matter when you meet someone. What is the key? Novelty, says anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D. "It drives up dopamine production in the brain, causing pleasure, excitement, and optimism." One study confirms that boredom predicts lower satisfaction in a marriage.

Even at the start, predictability won't work. So to help you stand out, we consulted top experts and tracked down 11 of the most sought-after kinds of bachelorettes—including two Hollywood stars—to find fresh, original approaches you can use to win over any woman.

The Athlete

Why Her: For starters: spandex, side-by-side workouts, and shared showers. Oh yeah, and better sex. A recent Turkish study found that elite female athletes have better clitoral bloodflow and sexual function than sedentary women do. And you might lose your own gut in the process: Research in the journal Obesity found that befriending people who are fit may help stave off weight gain.

Beware: If you're lapped, you might be dumped. "She's going to work out every day, so she wants to be with somebody who shares her values," says Amy Baltzell, Ed.D., a sports psychologist at Boston University and the author of Living in the Sweet Spot. That means she'll push you but won't coddle you. Look elsewhere for an ego stroke, says Steph Davis, a renowned rock climber and the author of High Infatuation: "Countless relationships have fallen apart because the man couldn't deal with a female athlete's unwillingness to be his cheerleader."

Your Move: Appeal to her vanity. "She'll love hearing how attractive you find her muscles," Baltzell says. "It shows that you understand and value what she's doing."

Also Works With: the Trainer, the Coach, the Soldier

The Actress

Why Her: She'll show you a new side—to everything. "Most actresses are natural explorers," says Fisher, the author of Why Him? Why Her? How to Find and Keep Lasting Love. "They're curious, spontaneous, and they're energetic risk takers." And she's probably not opposed to dating a mere mortal. "It's entirely possible that she's looking for a stable, down-home man to counteract the unpredictability in her career," says Fisher.

Beware: Her job takes her places. "Understanding the importance of rescheduling is crucial. Every time I plan a vacation, I wind up booking a job," says Rachel Nichols, star of Conan the Barbarian and author of the Men's Health blog the Movie Star Next Door. "Our lives are nomadic at best, and unpredictable at all times."

Your Move: Hide the fan-club membership. "Don't gush about how much you love her work or how you waited all night to meet her," says Nichols. "If she seems receptive, offer to buy her a drink. If she doesn't, say it was nice meeting her and walk away."

Also Works With: the Model, the Dancer, the Party Planner

The Coworker

Why Her: No nervous introductions needed. Stephanie Losee, coauthor of Office Mate, a book about on-the-job romance, says, "People who date at the office take the risk because they think something's really there." And there's a good chance they're right: A 2011 Career Builder survey found that 40 percent of people have dated a coworker, and 30 percent of them eventually married one.

Beware: Don't be fooled by The Office's Jim and Pam. When things turn rocky, the drama needs to be deep-sixed the moment you swipe your entry card. "Between peers, all the risk happens after a breakup," Losee says. "In the office, it's up to you to conduct yourself with dignity and keep your pain to yourself." A Match.com survey found that 56 percent of office couples who split up returned to work amicably.

Your Move: Casually suggest grabbing dinner, but do it when you're outside the office—at happy hour, for instance. "If she doesn't bite, back way off and leave it at that," says Losee. "You have to treat the situation delicately and show that you're open to being turned down." Staying cool can only enhance your reputation.

The Comedian

Why Her: She's smart and fearless—a fun combination. There's no walking on eggshells around her, says Paul Dobransky, M.D., a clinical psychiatrist and coauthor of The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love. "Female comedians are right-brained, confident, and not afraid to play the fool." And all that joking around can be good for your health: Laughter increases bloodflow and may lower your risk of heart disease, a University of Maryland study showed.

Beware: She could be a head case. A classic British study of 69 comedians found that while they displayed superior intelligence, they were also more prone to anger, suspicion, and depression. One possible reason, Dr. Dobransky says: She may have sadness or neglect in her past. "If it involves her father," he says, "study her dad's nature to know what she needs—and what she may be trying to overcome." As for her career, you might be surprised by how much serious work and stress go into her act. Says the Daily Show's Samantha Bee, "All comedians have a ball of chewed off fingernails in their stomachs the size of a slightly smaller stomach."

Your Move: Don't enter into a battle of wits with her. You're dealing with a professional. "Ask yourself, Do I occasionally enjoy being bested by a woman? Surprisingly often, the answer is no," says Bee. "Look into your heart and decide if you would prefer to date someone who laughs at everything you say and who needs you to order for her at restaurants—like a mail-order bride."

Also Works With: the Sales Rep, the Radio Host, the Bartender

The Executive

Why Her: She's as strong and ambitious as you are. That's hot. As a corporate leader she values decisiveness and is a natural problem solver. "If you want a woman to kowtow to your needs, pick someone young and put a ring on her finger. She'll live to serve you," says Katie, 29, a marketing executive. "But if you want someone who can be an equal and will still help run your future family efficiently and happily, find a woman who has already demonstrated that she can run her own life successfully."

Beware: Let her reach for the bill—sometimes. It shows her that you're secure about her success, even if she earns more than you do. "The financial stuff is the most complicated," says Gail Evans, a former executive vice president at CNN and the author of She Wins, You Win. "I know couples who have made rules where they pay relative to their income—but for a lot of guys, that's a big assault to their egos."

Your Move: Don't flip out if she makes a habit of rebooking. "Very successful women enjoy dating less-complicated men," Evans says. "Life is busy and wild at the office, so a guy who doesn't add his stress becomes instantly more attractive."

Also Works With: the Entrepreneur, the Heiress, the Stockbroker

The Doctor

Why Her: No free moment goes wasted, even in bed. Julie Holland, M.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at New York University and the author of Weekends at Bellevue, says that long hours of work can mean "she's going to want sex on command." (Followed, we should add, by a really long nap.) She'll also win approval among your friends—doctors finished third only to firefighters and scientists in a Harris Interactive poll that asked both men and women which professions they admired the most.

Beware: Date night could flatline, as many residents remain on call around the clock. Three out of five even work when they're sick, according to a survey in the Journal of the American Medical Association. That's one reason relationships outside the ER pose a challenge, and why her male coworkers wearing the white coats hold an unfair advantage. Turns out Grey's Anatomy has a germ of truth: "There's a special level of work-flirt I've seen only at hospitals," Dr. Holland says, "especially on overnight shifts."

Your Move: Don't discount the power of a night in with a bottle of wine and a Groundhog Day DVD. Anything you can do to lower the stress in her life—like, say, bringing over pasta—goes a long way. "If you can make her laugh, relax, and forget about her stressful job," says Dr. Holland, "you could be a keeper."

Also Works With: the Veterinarian, the Dentist, the Nurse

The Politician

Why Her: As long as your voting records align, your relationship has great odds of success. A Journal of Politics study found that out of nearly 5,000 married couples, more have political attitudes than personality traits in common. Better yet, she's mature, ambitious, and a natural leader. As Jeffrey Gardere, Ph.D., the author of Love Prescription, puts it: "You're getting a brilliant, professional woman who will take you to the highest highs, emotionally and financially."

Beware: Come clean about your past. The more clout she has, the more your baggage will matter in this world of Drudge Report and TMZ. Political foes are always on the lookout for potential dirt, even by association. "Unlike male politicians who might get away with dating for fun, the female politician is held to a higher standard," says Gardere. "She will probably want a committed and serious relationship."

Your Move: Be honest with her—she has a well-calibrated b.s. detector. "We have a lot of people blowing smoke up our skirts," says Angela Hunt, a member of the Dallas city council, "so we value directness and honesty."

Also Works With: the Lawyer, the Professor, the Producer

The Adrenaline Junkie

Why Her: She'll push your comfort zone—and the more excitement in your relationship, the better your long-term odds, according to a 2009 study in Psychological Science. She'll also find you unforgettable: Events that occur during extreme states of emotion are more memorable, researchers at Johns Hopkins and New York University found.

Beware: She may not be able to slow herself down. A 2009 study at the University of Kentucky showed that thrill seekers showed more activity in regions of the brain associated with addictive behaviors like smoking, but less activity in the areas linked to emotional regulation. The more committed she is to those heart-pounding adventures, the less available she's likely to be. "When I'm clinging to a sea cliff somewhere with waves crashing below me," says Bonita Norris, one of the youngest women ever to climb Mount Everest, "I'm unlikely to have a signal on my phone."

Your Move: Keep it simple. "Most women who live in the adventure world are never asked on actual dates," says Davis. "They're asked to climb El Cap or to sleep in a snow cave—which needs to happen too. But after all that, ask her to go on a date that calls for dressing up."

Also Works With: the Firefighter, the Police Officer, the Eco-Tour Guide

The Bartender

Why Her: A good bartender is a world-class listener and conversationalist—funny, charming, attentive. (Plus, she can mix a drink!) Daniel Menaker, the author of A Good Talk, notes that bartenders generally have lots of stories, ranging "from the hilarious to the pathetic, and they are able to read people instinctively." He compares them to nurses: "They're probably harder to shock, more sociable, more sympathetic, and more resilient than the general female population."

Beware: She's nocturnal. "If you're in the bar business, you need to be a night person," says Indhira Torres, a bartender at Philadelphia's Silk City Diner. "I'm probably more awake at 10 p.m. than any other time—and I often don't climb into bed until 3 or 4 a.m." The rest of her schedule can be killer, too. "You have to be flexible and creative," Torres says. "Sometimes it'll feel as if you have an absentee girlfriend because she's nowhere to be found on weekends."

Your Move: Get rowdy somewhere else. "A guy who worked across the street asked me out once," says Heather, 24, a bartender at a high-end New York City restaurant. "I said yes only because he was respectful, was not married, and never got wasted in the bar, so I wasn't embarrassed to show up with him."

Also Works With: the Psychiatrist, the Journalist, the Waitress

 

The Musician

Why Her: She's low maintenance. Sherri DuPree, lead singer of the rock band Eisley, says being a musician "forces you to take on a very adaptive, easygoing personality. Elements of the industry are constantly shifting, and everyone likes a woman who can laugh off stressful situations." And you can give credit to her more evolved gray matter: A recent study discovered that musicians have highly developed brains that leave them predisposed to being calm, playful, and capable of seeing the bigger picture.

Beware: Road trips could get old. "The biggest challenge is dealing with touring," says singer-songwriter Kina Grannis, 26. "It's something that needs to be understood and supported. It's not easy for either person, so don't make her feel guilty about it."

Your Move: Ask her about her songs—but give her time to write too. DuPree warns of the "creative mode, which usually means I'm going to shut myself in the closet with my guitar. You'd better not even think of knocking on that door until I'm done—or I might write a song about you that you won't like."

Also Works With: the Novelist, the Director, the Designer

The Chef

Why Her: She's a master of self-sufficiency. "We cook, pay our own bills, and can snag you a reservation at any restaurant you want," says Marcela Valladolid, the author of Mexican Made Easy and host of the Food Network show with the same name. "As for what we want in a man? Well, it helps if you're incredibly kind—and good in bed."

Beware: She does better when you back off. "Men should know that we are very controlling when we cook, and that we like things the way we like them," says Casey Thompson, a Top Chef finalist and executive chef at Brownstone in Fort Worth, Texas. "We will probably rearrange your entire kitchen to our own benefit. While we're doing that, just make us a cocktail, pick out the wine, and let us handle the cooking." (Deal!)

"There will be plenty of dirty dishes to help with after dinner." (Oh.)

Your Move: Relieve her of duty. "We feed people all day," Thompson says. "Sometimes we like to be fed too." Pick a meal she's less enthusiastic about preparing and give her the night (or, more likely, the morning) off. "I don't enjoy cooking breakfast," Thompson says. "Really good bacon, creamy scrambled eggs, and perfectly toasted bread cooked by you with love says, 'I want you to have a great day, and I care about you.' "

Also Works With: the Massage Therapist, the Organic Farmer, the Shop Owner

Keep Work Out of It

ODETTE ANNABLE says all actresses have a crazy side. But talk to the 26-year-old star of Cloverfield, Brothers & Sisters, and the current season of House, and it's clear she's tamed the Lohan within. For one, when she married her Brothers & Sisters co-star Dave Annable in October 2010, she made the un-Hollywood move of taking his last name. He proposed at a ranch in Santa Barbara where he'd taken her on a surprise trip earlier in their relationship. "We took hikes alone and fell in love," she says. She initially worried about "dating another crazy actor. But we had our priorities straight. We put family first. Acting is just my job, and it doesn't take over my life." Her advice to a man wanting to date an actress: "Don't talk about the business. Just make her feel normal." Odette's new normal: "We had a dream date the other night," she says. "I came home to beautiful flowers, some wine, and Greek food on the table. Then we watched Jersey Shore and went to bed early with the dogs."

Dating : Are You An Annoying Couple?

Everyone has either been a part of, party to, possible enabler of, and/or wished they had food poisoning in the presence of, that couple. We’ve all encountered that couple. It’s hard to find the right adjective to adequately ascribe to them. I mean, seriously, whenever you think of them you just think of them as that couple. They just piss/depress/annoy you so much that language actually fails to form in your brain. A lot of couples are guilty of being that couple at one point in their relationship or another. Often it’s during the honeymoon or newlywed periods. Basically, when it all feels like the beginning.
But how do you know if you’re being that couple, or at least that you’re witnessing the aneurysm-provoking spectacle that is that couple?
If you finish each other’s sentences, then you’re that couple.
If everything leads you back to a story about your significant other, sweet Jesus, you are that couple.
If you refer to yourselves only as “we” then you’re DEFINITELY that couple.
If every time you speak to each other you use a different pet name, you’re that couple, and you create an awkwardly inadequate feeling amongst all those in your presence.
If you only make eye contact with each other, you’re that couple and rude. To everyone else. And that’s uber-annoying!
If you color coordinate your outfits, you’re that couple, and you need help. Possibly involving electroshock treatments.
If all of your single friends no longer return your phone calls, you’re that couple and past the point of an intervention.
If everything you say is backhanded proof about how your relationship is better than every other relationship, then you’re that couple…and I would use my slap bet on you!
If you constantly hold hands, publicly make out, or get each other off under the table without justification, provocation, or invitation (i.e. an orgy), you’re that couple…and showing off. WE GET IT! YOU HAVE LOTS OF SEX! That, too shall pass…mwahahaha (bitters are just what you put in martinis).
People have every right to be happy. I wish for every couple to be madly in love and achieve a lifetime of happiness. But when you become that couple, you’re not showing happiness, you’re showing a lack of tact, awareness, consideration for the feelings of others around you, and heightening the insecurities of people who want to be in a meaningful (or at least overly affectionate) relationship but aren’t in one. Just because you’re celebrating you’re newfound bliss/monkey sex doesn’t give you the right to be oblivious to the laws of common courtesy. Short of that line, snog all you want!
What’s terrifying to think is that some people consider that couple to be the gold standard for being the perfect couple. Rest easy, everyone outside of the bubble of bliss. You don’t have to try to be the perfect couple. Being that couple doesn’t prove anything except that those two people are either trying too hard or haven’t outgrown the “that” phase yet. Love evolves or devolves. You can’t be that couple forever. Nor should you be.
Telling it like it is,

Dating : 7 Signs You Have A Psycho Girlfriend

There are bunny burners and Marilyn Manson fans. But there are also nice-looking women who have a little (or a lot) of crazy in ‘em. Watch out for these traits of a potentially insane-in-the-membrane girlfriend.
7 She’s insanely jealous of Brooklyn Decker
If this potential girlfriend’s face turns a shade of magenta when Decker’s blonde hair (your Potential Girlfriend is a brunette, damn it) and ah-mazing ass happen to come up (she actually kind of asked who your celebrity crush was), chances are this woman’s insecurities are going to drive you mad — like she obviously is (her ass is great too, right? Plus, you know she doesn’t expect you to look like Jake Gyllenhaal). How many times are you willing to tell someone, no she doesn’t look fat or that she is, in fact, having a great hair day? Twice a day… maybe? No? Run along, then. Self-confidence can’t come from someone else.
6 Guys’ Nights infuriate her
Unless you’re stumbling home with puke all over your shirt and a mild case of herpes, no sane woman should care that you want to hang out with your dude friends some nights. Go, run forth with your wolf pack! Leave us to Sex In the City reruns and chattering about our periods with our fellow females while you watch the game and talk about big racks or whatever men do when they’re together. GF freaking out over these kind of casual outings isn’t normal — you shouldn’t feel guilty for having friends.
5 You suddenly have a lot in common
Sharing books, iTunes libraries, and picking up each other’s slang: these are all the great parts of being in a rad relationship. Sharing is caring! However, if she’s practically committing identity theft (i.e. she’s changed her baseball team allegiance, favorite food, and most listened to genre of music), back away slowly. Soon she’ll be hacking into your accounts and doing in-depth analysis of your tweets.
4 Her favorite topic of conversation is her father
Whether he “ruined her life” or is “the greatest man around,” hearing about Dad more than a few times a day could indicate many-a-problem. (Quagmire recommends hitting on women with daddy issues for a reason.) The pure fact of the matter is that everyone has a complicated relationship with his or her parents. But something bordering along obsession isn’t healthy, and probably needs to be worked out with time and a professional. Sometimes, men don’t need to be saviors, whisking away a woman from their father. This isn’t a developing nation and we can’t be traded with along with some cows. All you can do is be sympathetic, give guidance, and expect her to figure it out or get over her family drama so it doesn’t destroy what you guys could have. And if she’s like, positively obsessed with her father, you apparently have some mad competition.
3 She “hates” other women
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll surely hear it again, “I hate other women,” lady-friend says. “I get along better with guys.” Cue the internal alarm. So she has more dude pals. That’s fine. But for a woman to claim she “hates” other women? Not good. This line can be interpreted to mean one or all of the following: 1) Other women reject this girl because she tries to compete with them (i.e. she flirts with their boyfriends); 2) She only attracts awful women (and of course there are plenty of awesome, non-catty women out there, so she must suck at finding these people and/or loves the drama involved in having treacherous relationships; 3) She hates herself. To all the ladies reading this: Please stop saying you “hate” other women. It’s a disservice to everyone, including you.
2 She’s taking diet pills
These questionably lethal babies just make anyone bat-shit crazy. Even if it’s an “herbal” brand, attempting to boost your metabolism with a pill can cause some nasty side affects like restlessness and intense mood swings. Hence, the bat-shit craziness. It’s doubtful this would be something she’d be open about (and if she is, run). But if you start picking up hints that she might be consuming these suckers to substitute for food, realize she’s more in need of a therapist, not a boyfriend.
1 She’s outwardly stalking you on Facebook
Not only is her request to alter your relationship status from “single” to “in a relationship” lightning-fast, but she’s also made a snapshot of the two of you her profile picture the second you hooked up. Then she asked you, “Could you please do the same?” She just wants people to know you’re together. Once you give in, she tags herself in your pictures — pictures that she’s not even in — just ‘cause she also wants people to know what a huge part of your life she is.

Women Can Sniff Out Men Without Knowing—And Vice Versa

Women and men can sniff out the opposite sex via odorless pheromones, a new study suggests.
The discovery adds another piece to the growing body of evidence that humans, much like the rest of the animal kingdom, know more from their noses than previously thought.
"We know that for animals, chemosignals are actually the most used signals to communicate, whereas with humans, we think chemosensation is not really used," said study leader Wen Zhou, a psychologist at the Chinese Academy of Sciences in Beijing.
"But based on our experiences, they are still influenced by these cues, even if they don't explicitly know it."
In a recent experiment, subjects who smelled possible pheromones from the opposite sex were more likely to interpret ambiguous human figures as that sex—even when the participants didn't know they were smelling anything.
Pheromones—chemicals that can communicate sexual information—are widespread in the animal world, and some research suggests humans use them unconsciously as well.


Zhou and colleagues used videos of points of light moving in a way that fools the eye into seeing human motion.
The videos were made by filming real people in motion-capture suits with LEDs at each joint—similar to the suits used to create Hollywood special effects.
Then the scientists mathematically manipulated the dots until the "figures" had neither a typically male nor typically female gait.
Sex Pheromones Influence Gender Choice
Twenty men and 20 women watched the video animations of these ambiguous figures, as well as ones that were more obviously male or female. While watching the videos, the subjects sniffed clove oil infused with the male steroid androstadienone, the female steroid estratetraenol, or a plain oil used as a base for many cosmetics.
Men who smelled the female pheromone were more likely to identify the androgynous walker as a woman, and even were more likely to identify more clearly male figures as female than those who just smelled clove oil.


The same results applied when women sniffed the male compound: They more frequently saw the ambiguous figures as male than the women who smelled the plain oil.
Estratetraenol had no effect on women, and androstadienone didn't affect men.
This perception difference seems to be completely unrelated to what their noses told them: A blindfolded test subject couldn't tell the difference between steroid-infused clove oil and plain oil.
"It's completely below their awareness," Zhou said. "They didn't know what they were smelling, but their behavior showed these different patterns."

Dating : 10: Stupid Things Guys Do To Impress Girls

Ever since Adam bit the apple for Eve, guys have been doing dumbass things to impress the fairer sex. We’ve all been there. It’s a position every man will find himself in at one point in his life. So desperate are you to impress a certain woman that you start acting way out of your comfort zone and make a complete idiot of yourself while you are at it.

 

No.10 Drinking too much

Who knows why it is that some blokes feel inclined to drink like they invented it whenever they’re trying to impress a new girl. Sure, the added confidence may let you get away with some lines your weaker self may have shied away from, but there’s a balance. Generally, the ballast to that balance is the point in which you’re in the bathroom screaming at the porcelain. OK, you’ve gone too far. Remember, all the good work your confidence spike gave you early in the night will be shattered by the image of you covered in vomit with a security guard under each arm.

No.9 Talking a big game

The only thing worse than the shy guy at the party is the shy guy who’s trying to act like the cool guy. If you’re shy, who cares? Run with it. You’ll look interesting. If you try too hard to act like the more confident guys around you -- because you think that’s what the girls will go for -- then you are underestimating their idiot radars. Unfortunately this isn’t something you can put on; some people are just more confident than others, but there’s nothing worse than someone acting like something they’re not.

No.8 Wearing muscle T-shirts

If it’s Venice Beach in 1984 and you’re pumping iron while listening to Tone Loc, skip ahead; this doesn’t apply to you. For everyone else, do not under any circumstance fall into the misconception that a girl is going to go gaga for you just because you have the guns out and are offering free tickets. Great, you’re well built. Well done, you! If you must, take her to the beach and you’ll get in all the flexing you want. Otherwise, shirt please.

No.7 Lying

We’re not talking about the little white lies (number of sexual partners, anyone?), but more the whoppers that are inevitably going to unravel at some point and leave you red-faced and alone. Little details, like you are already seeing someone, are best out in the open. If you have to do it, keep your lies manageable and harmless, and trace back paths down which they might fail. Claiming to be a Wimbledon Tennis umpire is going to be a tricky one to back up, at least for one month every year.

No.6 Taking her to art exhibitions you know nothing about

The idea of a perfect date is to do an activity that is of interest to both parties. Under no circumstances should a guy stretch himself so far out of his comfort zone for the sake of a date that he leaves himself as transparent as glad-wrap. Example A: Don’t take a girl to an art exhibition if you have absolutely no interest in art and thus walk around the gallery sending texts to your mates about the loving that’s coming your way later that evening. Worst still would be to actually act like you know what you’re talking about – she’ll see straight through it.

No.5 Cooking when you're not good at it

They say that when it comes to cooking it’s really just the thought that counts. But tell that to the girl who’s eating raw chicken through a forced smile while her idiot date grins foolishly waiting for desert. If you know you’re useless in the kitchen then don’t offer to cook in order to impress a girl unless you can guarantee it’s impossible to screw up. If your date still thinks it’s the thought that counts when you serve up chicken and corn-flavoured Maggi noodles then she’s a keeper.

No.4 Signing up for adventure sports

Date within your means. If your idea of an exciting day out is two-for-one beer jugs at the local Lawn Bowls Club, then maybe bungee jumping or sky diving isn’t quite your speed. Very few dates are worth your life. No dates are worth fainting, wetting your pants or vomiting on yourself. It’s not wise to try and impress a girl by pretending your alpha when you’re zeta at best -- you’ll only end up looking like the guy on the football field who stopped the play while the referee helped him look for his contact lens.

No.3 Joining a band

So you stared up at a Jon Bon Jovi poster on your bedroom wall and daydreamed about how well he must do with the ladies – what with such a fine head of hair and such a nice shade of marbled denim. So you talked your old man into coughing up some funds for a few guitar lessons. And 10 years later you’re still crap and still dragging your friends along to sit through your excruciatingly painful gigs. And it’s not because you love music, it’s all because you thought it’d help you pick up. Nope

No.2 Hotting-up your car

Guys who think a girl is going to lose her mind just because they’ve installed beaded seat covers in their Datsun -- welcome to our list. A car is the thing that gets you to the shops when it’s too far to walk and you couldn’t be bothered with public transport. The second you start thinking of it as a blank canvas for you to decorate your bogan mechanical art on, you’re done. Sure, get a nice stereo and one of those vanilla-scented Christmas trees for the rearview mirror but the words "custom bodykit" should only be used by a qualified mechanic.

No.1 Getting named tattoos

The ultimate in bogan respect. If your name is Dot and he comes home, bends over and proudly displays a "D" tattooed on one butt cheek and a "T" tattooed on the other, you know it’s time to stop internet dating. Nothing good can come from getting your girlfriend’s name tattooed on your body -- and by doing it, you’re almost ensuring the relationship won’t last. Think of Johnny Depp having to change his Winona Forever tatt to Winos Forever. See, Johnny Depp couldn’t even make it cool.








 

Top 10 Things To Have In Your House That Women Love

When a woman visits your house, it's your opportunity to shine… but it can also get awkward FAST if you run out of things to talk about, or if she thinks you're just trying to "make a move." Here are 10 things to have in your house that not only pave the way for great conversation, but help you take things to the next level smoothly and without rejection.

1. A Zen Garden
For some reason, women love these little decorations of rocks and sand. You can get them at those international market-type stores, or online. A Zen Garden is a box that sits on you coffee table, filled with sand, some polished stones, and a comb-like rake. You use the rake to comb lines into the sand, around the stones or other objects. I realize this sounds ridiculous… but wait till you try it… and wait till you have a woman over to your house and she sees it!

2. A Musical Instrument
If you have musical talents you are in GREAT SHAPE when it comes to having a woman over at your place. Keep your instrument of choice in plain view to spark her attention. If you aren't musically talented, try something like bongos, or get your hands on a cowbell. If she's seen the popular SNL skit she'll DIE laughing… and if she hasn't you will win points for being the first person to show it to her!

3. A Pet
This one is almost common sense… everyone knows that women love animals. If you're not a dog or cat person consider getting a fish tank. Having ANY kind of a pet – even fish –subtly signals to her that you are responsible and a good provider - 2 things women are INSTINCTIVELY programmed to look for in a man. Plus feeding the fish together can be lots of fun!

4. A Collage Of Pictures
On a prominent wall, put up a collage of pictures. The collage as a whole should tell a story. For example, put up pictures of places you've been around the world – in front of the Coliseum in Rome or hiking the Grand Canyon. She'll be sure to ask lots of questions about the places you've been… maybe she will have even been to one of the places herself. Also somewhere in your house, be sure to put up pictures of your family, and pictures of you when you were younger. Women always love to see this stuff, and it always paves the way for interesting conversation.

5. Bottles Of Wine
Buy a wine rack and stock it with several bottles of wine. They don't have to be expensive; you can get decent wines for under $20. Consider joining a "Wine Of The Month" club – they'll send you 2 bottles of great wine every month, usually for around $20 total! I don't need to tell you that it's much classier to offer her a glass of wine than a beer. As a bonus, get a cool bottle opener. Look into the CO2 opener, which you can buy at wine stores. You push the needle through the cork, push the button on top, and the cork pops out like magic. That's a gadget she'll actually be impressed with…

6. Interesting Or Funny Coffee Table Books
Take a trip to a funky neighborhood and grab some interesting books to put on your coffee table. Books on dating are always good as they are sure to make for some interesting conversation. Stay away from picture books, unless they are pictures of you and your friends, which you can have made at one of the popular photo publishing websites.

7. Balance Board
A balance board is a skateboard-like object that sits on top of a roller – the object is to get onto it and keep your balance. It's incredibly fun. Skaters and surfers use this for practice because it mimics the motion. People who get really good can do all sorts of impressive tricks. She'll see it and want to try it because it sounds challenging, yet fun. When she gets on it, she'll grab onto your hands for balance. Nice!

8. A Cool Cooking Appliance
Here's a great idea. Have at least one unique cooking appliance in your kitchen. I'm talking about things like a Panini Press, an Espresso Machine, or Ice Cream Maker. Having one of these hint to her that there is more to you than meets the eye… and that you can do more in the kitchen than make toast. Learn a few recipes (it's a lot simpler than it sounds), then invite her over in the future to cook dinner together.

9. An Interactive Video Game
It used to be that a video game system was a major turn off to women – she'd imagine losing her man to hours of nerd-fests with other zombie-like males. However, recently videogames have become much more interactive and fun for everyone. They can't resist Dance Dance Revolution or playing an instrument on "Guitar Hero" or "Rock Band"… and don't forget all of the fun games on the Nintendo Wii. Play against each other and come up with some funny "win-win" wagers for the loser… such as a 5 minute massage.

10. Something Homemade
Somewhere in your house, have something that YOU made. Either a sculpture, a piece of art, or furniture. This will indicate that you have some sort of talent, and if it's not very flattering, you can always make a joke about it, explaining that this is why you are NOT a carpenter. Either way, have fun with it, and she will too.

Video : In Case You Weren't Watching. Fast Talking Boyfriend Drops $800,000 In A New Game Show!

Date Detectives Screen Your Online Matches for You

Some analysts believe that 20 million amorous Americans, including celebrities and sports icons, now subscribe to Internet matchmaking services. Universities even offer courses in online flirting, niche sites offer specific matchmaking services, and "online dating assistants" perform partner trolling for busy -- or lazy -- singles.

But, despite the progress and success of online dating, the services are still plagued by liars, cheaters, pedophiles and con artists. Inspired, or perhaps disgusted, by those inherent dangers, various government officials apparently intend to force the adjustment of online dating liability laws. Culpable sites would conceivably take a more active approach in weeding out unwanted, or potentially dangerous, members.

Until those laws change, though, wary singles now have access to online dating private eyes, who -- for a small fee, of course -- perform background checks on possible partners. According to the New York Times, retired New York State Police captain Robert Buchholz launched his dating detective service to "provide some degree of safety." His company, My Match Checker, charges $9.95 for a "basic background search." Some companies even offer mobile apps that allow snooping daters to instantly and personally "look up before you hook up."

This development shouldn't exactly surprise too many folks, though. Such dating background checks were accurately predicted in specific detail long ago, in the prescient and classic 1987 film 'Amazon Women on the Moon.' (Starring, of course, the one and only Steve Guttenberg.) Seriously, now: how many people saw that coming?

7 gifts not to get your girlfriend this Christmas

It’s that time of the year again: You’re prepping to spend way too much time with the kin, maybe traveling across country to see them, and stressing the hell out about getting non-repulsive gifts for your loved ones. And if you have a special lady friend in your life, you may also be doubting every swipe of your credit card (or cricket sound coming from your bank account).

Because there’s already way too much pressure on you, here are some tips on what to avoid getting your girl for the holidays, along with some gift ideas that will surely induce hugs and, “You’re so sweet(s)!”

7 Workout Equipment
This one’s kind of a duh, as it’s an annual sitcom-husband screw up during every Christmas special. She’ll take it as a hint she’s fat, blah blah blah. No matter how much she talks about wanting those Shape Up shoes, don’t give in (they’re garbage, anyway). Exception: A super cute yoga mat if she’s a Pilates or yoga enthusiast. The ones at the gym are gross.

6 Any Kitchen-esque Gear
This category includes not only waffle makers and Day-Glo colored mixers, but also Fruit of the Month Clubs and bottles of liquor. (Unless you’re 16, a pint of liquor is not too thrilling, sorry.) Even if she’s a total foodie, anything falling into this realm is the opposite of personal. We may also interpret it as you telling us that you want cupcakes and quiches and we should be enthusiastic about making said snacks because the As Seen On TV-cupcake/quiche-making contraption is pink. Exception: A couples cooking class or out-of-the-ordinary fancy-schmancy dinner. We’ll also eat our faces off and get liquored up, it’ll just be not douche-y.

5 A Pet
There is a reason why January is a prime-time for overpopulated shelters. Animals are not gifts. They are like mini, furry family members who we can’t necessarily return for store credit when we figure out we don’t have the time for ‘em. Exception: An awesome plant coupled with a personalized gift like a book, CD, or DVD. Perhaps we’re just hippies around these parts. We’re not familiar with a girl that doesn’t like a green thing, though. Hey, they’re alive, they brighten a room, and we won’t feel like we’re going to off ourselves when we accidentally kill them.

4 On That Note: Stuffed Animals
Yack! Leave the Teddy Bears and cushy otters for your six year-old niece. Sure, we were jealous of that chick who got that Build-a-Bear donning a stupid felt Santa hat (but was made with so much adolescent love) when we were in eighth grade. Now? They just confuse us. They collect dust. Exception: The Best Pillow Ever. Seriously. A big, down pillow. She will cuddle with that damn thing every night. It’s like a stuffed animal, minus the creepiness.

3 Clothes
You’ll risk picking the wrong size, which could be detrimental in so many ways. If it’s not her style it’ll just be awkward for her to wear it. (Remember, some of us are wary of picking out frocks for our friends of ten years, that’s how fickle we can be about fashion). Plus, that is all our mom gets us. Exception: Awesome lingerie, after checking our bra and panties drawer for sizes. That — our mom will not be getting us.

2 Gift Certificates
Yes, we will probably use them. Gift certificates are the ultimate sign you gave up completely. Not swoon-worthy. Exception: A spa certificate for a massage. Most likely something we wouldn’t get ourselves but that we totally, totally want. It says, “I care about you feeling good,” rather than, “I don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing.”

1 You, Naked, With a Bow on Your Package (or a Dick in the Box)
Har, har. We get it. You’re broke. You want to do it, per usual, but with a red-and-glitter-clad twist. This will just not cut it. It is very obvious you scrambled around clueless and just stuck a ribbon on your dong at midnight on December 24th. Exception: An “experience date,” like a concert ticket. The gift is still spending time and creating a memory with you (aww). And if you really are broke: at least make us a damn mix CD.

Tips : How to fail at dating

Meeting girls and dating are easy. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. You don’t need 10 DVD’s of Mystery Method or all sorts of books to become good at this stuff. You don’t need to change your personality, you don’t need to change much of your habits, and you don’t need an awful lot of new skills.

To get this stuff 80% right, you just need to make sure you don’t fail at the following simple points. Get those right, fix whatever is holding you back, and you’re good to go. Is it really that simple? Yes. The theory is simple – putting this stuff into action, the only thing holding you back is your own fear.

I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act.

– Buddha

You FAIL because you don’t show up
If you don’t go to bars, clubs, or other (often much better) places to meet girls, you fail. Simple as that. You sit there alone, wondering why you can’t seem to find a girl who looks like Lara Croft? It’s because you don’t get out of the house, mainly. Get dancing lessons, if you can stomach it, join an acting class, get a job as a bartender or a dj, go out to bars and clubs, go read a book in Starbucks instead of on the couch.

You FAIL because you don’t approach her
Remember that time when you were on a bus and saw the most gorgeous girl ever? Did she just smile at you? Wow, she was just perfect, right? You tried to make eye contact and tried to look cool. You hoped she noticed your brilliant novelty t-shirt, and comments on it. Or something. Or the bus might hit someone, and this shared horrific experience will be the start of your relationship. She has blue eyes, your children will have blue eyes as well. Twins, probably. Yeah, that would be cool. She can pick the names, you’d be cool with that.

Weird thing happened. Despite your novelty t-shirt and your great looks, despite your telepathy, and despite the fact that you and her were obviously fated to be together, she just got off the bus at the next stop.

Talking to strangers can be somewhat daunting, especially if said strangers have nice boobs. It is however something that’s really easy to learn, and easy to become pretty good at. Here’s a post where I’ve chopped this up into small steps: Small talk. If you’re serious about learning this – and trust me, it’s a great skill to learn, try this book:

Start small, talk to old people, people in stores, restaurants, etc. At some point, you’ll be so comfortable to get in touch with strangers (really, it’s easy and fun once you get the hang of it), and: problem solved.

You FAIL because you’re not selling yourself
First of all, “selling yourself” sounds really bad. But it’s the simplest way to put it. First of all: you are interesting, you are awesome, and you are worth it for someone to get to know you. You can’t be everyone’s best friend, and you’re surely no match for every girl out there – and every pickup technique that tries to ignore that little fact, isn’t worth your time.

So what it comes down to, is making sure you show what you’re worth. Start by being well-dressed and well-groomed, like I describe in this post: Looking good: the basics. Then in any conversation you have with someone new, make sure you indirectly mention one or two of your best traits. Indirectly, in the sense that you don’t say “I’m very smart”, but that you make a remark, or tell a story that shows you’re smart. Knowing your good points and knowing how to show them is important in all aspects of life.

You FAIL because you’re not paying attention to her
So you found a girl, approached her, you look the part, and you have been talking for an hour about how you rescued four baby turtles from a horrible death while you were traveling the Amazon looking for a cure for cancer. Good stuff, well done. However: did you pay attention to what she’s wearing and what that says about her personality? Did you check out her friends: what kind of people are they and what do they think of you? Is she showing any signs of interest in you? What color are her eyes? Is she drunk? Is she laughing at your jokes? Is she having fun talking to you?

This is the biggest pitfall for aspiring pickup artists, and my biggest complaint about the whole pickup artist scene. Focusing on all sorts of techniques and stuff, takes focus away from the thing that matters most: finding out more about this girl. The biggest compliment you can pay someone is paying attention to them. Notice little things, comment on them, listen carefully. Come back to things she said, invent little running gags. It’s not technique, it’s common stuff. It’s paying attention to someone else, on a personal level.

You FAIL because you don’t ask her phone number
So you found a girl, have a nice chat, and she may very well be interested in you. And you feel like you want to meet her again. Then her friends leave, or she gets off the train, or her phone rings or you have to leave, or whatever. You never see her again.

Again, asking for phone numbers is one of those subjects that pickup artists have lots of advice about. It’s all bullshit, really. You don’t need technique to ask for a phone number. Asking “Can I please please please have your phone number” or “Give me your number!” will yield the same results. Once you’re asking for a phone number, she should be into you. She should want you to call her sometime and have a chat, go on a date, get to know you better. Any way you ask it is fine.

What helps though, is to have a good line ready. Just so it comes very easily to you, and you don’t forget. My favorite: “Hey, I’d like to call you sometime, why don’t you give me your number?”. Reach for your phone as you ask. But really: any way you ask is fine, as long as you ask.

You FAIL because you don’t call
So you got a number of a girl that looks promising. Well done man! It wasn’t hard, was it? No way: this stuff is easy.

Final step: calling, and setting up a date. How difficult it seems to call a stranger. Will she remember you? Will she pick up the phone? What will you say? Oh, you’ll screw up!

The only way to screw up is not to call. Stand up, put a smile on your face and think back about meeting her. Remember something she said, a joke you both laughed about. Take a deep breath, and call. Don’t script your conversation, but start about what a good time you had when you met her. If she sounds positive, and reacts enthusiastically to the talk, ask her on a date.

Oh, and forget all that bullshit about not calling within 3 days, not calling during the day, not leaving a message, do leave a message, e-mail is better, don’t call after 10pm, etc. Forget all that, and just give her a call, better sooner than later. If you screw up, think about what you could do better next time and congratulate yourself. Because you may have failed, but you didn’t let fear hold you back. Keep it up, and you will succeed.

Rides - 11 Cars That Won't Get You Laid On The 1st Date

8 Ways To Close The Door On A Failed Relationship

Whether it's writing a letter, painting a picture or moving cross-country, here's how to let go.

If anyone ever figured out how to bottle the ability to achieve closure after a relationship ends, they would be rich and famous. As someone who has stumbled in finding closure a few times in my life, all I can say for sure is how it feels. It feels peaceful; it feels freeing, like taking a rock out of your shoe. It is the moment a chapter in the book of your life has been written, read, reread, and filed away for posterity. No matter what the situation, closure is a feeling that comes from within. Sometimes you have the other person there to debrief with and that can be helpful, like when I met up with an ex-boyfriend to compare notes on our relationship. It was an incredibly therapeutic experience that helped me close the door on the relationship once and for all. But let's be honest, it hardly ever happens like that...

Most of the time, we are struggling alone. Whether it's because the other person(s) is dead, unavailable, toxic, crazy, or just an ass who we've decided doesn't deserve to be in our life anymore, it's not always possible to involve them in the closure process. So if we can't have their input/thoughts/feelings/apologies, but we still need closure, how to proceed? Here are some tips for getting closure when you have to go at it alone. Share your suggestions in the comments.

1. The un-sent letter. I dated a guy who suddenly stopped talking to me without any rhyme, reason, or warning. I later realized this was because he was an addict, but at the time, it was devastating. I knew I could and never would speak to him again. But I still had so much pain and anger pent up inside. I sat down at my desk and proceeded to write an epic letter telling him exactly what I thought of him. I wrote until there were no more words. Then I folded that sucker up, put it in an envelope, and locked it away in a drawer. It helped me let go just a little bit.

2. Write it. Write a book about the demise of your relationship, sell it for a six-figure advance, and then have it turned into a show on HBO starring someone exceedingly attractive. But seriously, even if you're not a professional writer, write it anyway. A play, screenplay, short story, or poem can help you gain perspective on a situation, or even give you an opportunity to write a different ending. It's OK if you're the only one who ever reads it. It's worth it.

3. Weird-ass rituals. As a person who considers myself "spiritually eclectic" (I'll explain some other time), I love performing weird-ass rituals that mean something only to me. I highly recommend printing out all the emails that the person ever sent you, lighting them on fire, and burying the ashes under your favorite tree. Or make up your own random ritual that is simpatico with your religious or spiritual beliefs. The point is to try to lay the past to rest.

4. Art. Art! Art! Art! Paint it, collage it, photograph it. Make art about it. I have an entire sketchbook of awful collages and watercolor paintings that got me through college. No one will EVER see them, but I don't care. If you are gifted in this way, I'm jealous!
5. Reflection. Ruminate on both the good and the bad of the relationship, so that you don't: A) totally idealize it or B) reactively hate the person. The more clarity you have on a situation, the easier it will be to sort out your feelings and gain insight about the situation. This may even be helpful to do with a counselor or therapist or a good friend. If you're a list person, a good old-fashioned pro-and-con should do the trick. Every time I break up with a dude or a friend, I write a list of all of the things I didn't like about them and all of the things I learned about myself. Then I can refer to it in the future if need be.

6. Reclaiming. Take the memories back! That Italian restaurant you both loved, your favorite dive bar or music venue, the bench you sat on to watch the sunset—do all the things you loved doing together on your own. Make new memories dammit ... alone!

7. Change of scenery. Sometimes the best way to get a fresh perspective on a life situation is to get away for a while. Go on a retreat/vacation, move to a new neighborhood, or just redecorate. Get out of your bubble. When your environment changes so does your state of mind. New states of mind are conducive to change.

8. Forgiveness. This is so easy to say and so hard to do. Closure requires forgiveness either of yourself or others. Forgiveness takes time. And time is really the only way to heal from a major loss in your life. Unfortunately, time is something we have no control over. Yeah, that kind of sucks, but be patient with and kind to yourself. You never know when forgiveness will happen or exactly how long it will take, but sometimes you just wake up one day and that stupid rock has miraculously fallen out of your shoe. You may not know why or how, but it did. That is the moment that you’re ready to walk on. Only more comfortably.

6 Things Everyone Knows About Women (That Aren't True

We previously pointed out how some crude, absurd gender stereotypes are in fact proven true by science. But, in the interest of not letting 60s sitcoms have the last word on the differences between men and women, we should point out how many things "everyone knows" about women just plain aren't true, according to science. Like...

#6.

Women Aren't As Aggressive

Remember that nursery rhyme about what little girls and little boys are made of? Boys are made of errant amphibians, mollusks and puppy parts while girls are made of sugar and spice and all that's nice. It'd be an adorable if it didn't also sum up gender expectations for the rest of your life.

Snails and dog tails make you more aggressive.

When we grow up, women are more likely to be penalized for displaying too much aggression, while men are rewarded for the exact same behavior.

Sometimes with millions of dollars.

When actually ...

Women might be the more aggressive of the genders.

Researchers found that when you deindividuate a person--or place the person in a situation where he or she doesn't have an individual identity--aggressive attitudes are amplified. This makes sense. It's probably why Marines are required to wear the same uniform, and hipsters are such pussies. Well, they tested this in the lab by having men and women play an interactive video game that required killing other players by dropping bombs on them.

They found that under normal circumstances, men dropped far more bombs than women. But in the deindividuated groups, women out-attacked the men every time, with an average of about five more bombs dropped per session.

Might as well face it, you're addicted to MASS MURDER.

Putting people, particularly women, in a situation where they are anonymous and don't have to conform to societal expectations is very powerful psychologically. And by very powerful, we mean it turns them into an unfeeling murder machines.

#5.

Women Aren't as Horny as Men

When it comes to the topic of sex drive, everyone knows the stereotypes: Men are shameless swine who will nail anything with a pulse, and women are only interested in lovemaking that satisfies them on an emotional level.

Think back on your adolescence, and it seems self-evident, doesn't it? Boys are so sex-driven that they literally have to hide their protruding penises (penii?) with baggy jeans and Trapper Keepers. Girls rarely have that problem. And as adults, we all know that it's mostly men, not women, populating the porn-viewing public. The Kinsey Institute even says so. Obviously, men are much more interested in sex. Case closed.

When actually ...

Women are probably just as horny as men--they just don't want you to know it.

The "fan and demure smile" look is just a more elegant "hard-on poking through the jeans."

A recent study asked a large group of test subjects about their sexual behavior but put some clever controls in place. One group of respondents gave their answers while connected to a polygraph machine, and a second group was put in a with a researcher and told that their answers would be monitored. A control group was told their answers would remain completely anonymous.

It turns out that when women were faced with the chance of someone seeing their answers (the group with the researcher in the room) they all suddenly became contestants in a Miss Chastity pageant, reporting only half the number of sexual partners that the group connected to the lie detector claimed. But the women connected to the polygraph actually reported more sexual partners than the men in the same control group.

"Well, there's the weekly foursome, the monthly "Lezz-In" and the occasional anonymous stall sex."

Experts interpreted this as women feeling "pressure to adhere to sex role expectations that indicate (they) should be more relationship-oriented and should avoid being seen as promiscuous." Just like with the bombing experiment, take away what society expects of us, and our true colors show.

Most of those colors are shades of pink.

On a related note...

#4.

Only Men Like Porn

The pimps who make up the advertising world have known for decades that the best way to catch a man's eye (and money) is with copious amounts of T&A. Men will line up to buy a large-caliber gunshot to the face as long as there's a scantily clad woman in a submissive pose somewhere telling them how awesome it's going to be.

But what about women? It's been widely believed that the fairer sex isn't affected by erotic imagery to the same degree that men are. And not just in advertising, but in movies, magazines or any other forms in which it might appear. Which is why you don't see half-naked beefcake flanking bottles of hair conditioner.

When actually ...

According to this study, women's brains react just as quickly to erotic images as men's do--and in fact the reaction may even be stronger.

They even use different "circuits" to process them as opposed to the pathways that are reserved for everyday images. Using EEG electrodes to monitor brain activity, researchers showed a group of female subjects pictures that ranged from pleasant to disturbing. Everything was cool until they got to photos that showed couples engaged in sensual poses.

Erotic images elicited neurons to fire at 160 milliseconds, which was 20 percent faster than even the quickest reactions to the non-erotic pictures--even if those pictures depicted immediate danger, like a snarling animal.

Above: less interesting than a penis.

If you've heard that stuff about how erotica turns women on only if there's some kind of deep backstory or emotional connection to what's going on, keep this in mind: 160 milliseconds means the women's brains were lighting up in response to the naked people well before they even consciously registered what they were seeing. Way before the thinking part of their brains could warm up, they already had an immediate, knee-jerk animal response that screamed, "LOOK! A BONER!"

Only Women Suffer from Media-Perpetuated Body Issues

Women have been complaining forever about the impossibility of living up to the female body image that is presented in media. There are like eight billion periodicals marketed to women, and every one of them has some thin teenager with perfect teeth, huge boobs and no blemishes staring out from the cover--not just Martha Stewart Living. It's no wonder the grocery store checkout line is known as the "boner chute."

This colloquialism was submitted by Gertrude Weinbauer, Food Lion #1557.

Complaints and checkout erections aside, it's not our fault the media is presenting this airbrushed picture of what women should look like, or that real-world women are buying into it. If you ladies don't have the sense to know that it's all a sham, then maybe you deserve your crippling body image diseases.

When actually ...

Men are starting to feel the exact same pressures to look perfect. A recent study commissioned by Harvard found that a full 25 percent of people with eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia are men.

Look at that asshole, just brushing his teeth all the live-long day. How can a real man compete with that?

The effect that these media portrayals have is real and the body image problem has jumped the gender barrier, so stick that in your overly tanned, sharply chiseled faces, men. Surveys show that a growing percentage of dudes believe that the only attractive male physique is an extremely muscular one, and they are going to great lengths to attain it.

Typically, that means consuming large amounts of protein, obsessing about their weight and working out so much it interferes with other parts of their lives. It doesn't even matter that in the media, the dudes who have chiseled bodies tend to be douchebags.

They were right! We were just jealous this whole time!

#2.

Women Aren't as Good at Math

This stereotype isn't as in-your-face as the others on the list, but it's there. If you look around at the people who hold most of the science, technology and engineering jobs in the world today, you'll quickly be tempted to ask, "Hey, where are all the chicks?" Anyone who's ever spent time around a college math lab, a corporate IT department or an engineering firm will notice a preponderance of dudes with skinny arms, ironic T-shirts and Tron collectibles.

And very few women.

This shortage of women in science and technology fields has given birth to the idea that maybe women just aren't as talented or as interested in those areas as men. Or more specifically, that they aren't as good at math, which is kind of the underpinning of the whole shebang. If you're not good at math, you're going to make a crappy scientist, right? And if women aren't well represented in the sciences, doesn't it follow that they're just not as skilled at mathematics?

When actually ...

Janet Hyde from the University of Wisconsin-Madison compiled math test scores and SAT results from more than seven million students, and found absolutely no difference in scores between males and females. So if girls have a mathematical aptitude equal to that of their testicled counterparts at the end of high school, why aren't they moving forward into scientific careers in greater numbers?

Why the hell not?

Well, the answer is nobody really knows. But right now, most researchers are leaning toward causes with social and environmental origins. One recent study found that teachers in grade school can impart their own anxieties about math to their female students, engendering a belief that boys will always be better at math than girls.

Another potential environmental explanation is social identity threat. This is a phenomenon in which knowledge of a stereotype actually makes you fail--thereby validating the stereotype. It's like a Catch-22, but with breasts. In either case, the next time you're trying to impress some girl with your knowledge of isotopes and quadratic equations, just remember that there's an even chance that she's actually better at that shit than you are. Calculate that, Poindexter.

#1.

Most Victims of Domestic Violence Are Women

Making jokes about domestic violence is about as awesome as making jokes about genocide. So we'll skip the hilarity and go straight to the stereotype about spouse abuse: If you're talking about one person beating up another in the home, you're probably talking about the man beating up the woman. That's why everyone believes that bullshit statistic about spousal abuse skyrocketing on Super Bowl Sunday. Men are bigger, women are weaker. Men are more aggressive, more violent, more prone to jealousy, and women are their usual victims.

When actually ...

Women are more likely to abuse, stalk and attack their partners than men are.

And there are literally hundreds of scientific studies with sample sizes in the thousands to back up this assertion. In the world of gender research, domestic violence is a subject that has been studied over and over again. The evidence is clear: When couples resort to physical violence, more often than not it's the woman who attacks the man first.

Hey Internet, what's the name for this fetish?

Consider this write-up from a study by Straus and Ramirez: "When only one partner was violent it was twice as likely to be the female than the male. Moreover, in terms of severe aggression females were twice as likely to be violent than men." Holy shit, ladies. Time to chill the fuck out.

If you're wondering why you've never heard these stats before, there's the obvious fact that men are bigger and therefore more likely to hurt women, and deserve to get raped in prison. But it's probably also because men are less likely to report physical attacks to the authorities than women are. And for some reason, men are really really less likely to report having a foot broken off in their ass by a 110-pound woman.

"It was a Hitler. No, three Hitlers."

It's the same old story: The stereotype persists because we're ashamed that we don't conform to it. Whew, that's depressing. How about before we end the article and we all go crazy in the comments, we join together and look at this adorable little kitty who broke his little leg:

Awwww...

That's better.