Things That Piss Me Off: Santa’s Reindeer

That’s right, I hate Santa’s stupid reindeer. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph are all on my $#!t list.

First of all, you pricks work one day a year and expect me to sprinkle glittery reindeer food in my front yard so you will stop by my house. I’ve got news for you dumbasses that are drinking the Kool-Aid on this one: not everyone is leaving carrots and celery for the laziest reindeer on the planet, and I’m officially done on this one. Is it coincidence that when you rearrange the letters in Santa’s name, it spells “Satan”? That’s one big coincidence.

Dasher may be the biggest a-hole reindeer, since he never takes a shower. My gutters clog every year when this unhygienic piece of trash decides to take a fat dump on my roof. I hope this year Dasher slips in his own feces and falls the 10 feet to the ground, rendering him unable to perform his duties in years to come. Dasher can lick my goodies, because I’m just plain sick of his attitude and want him to die.

Dancer couldn’t make it as an erotic pole performer and after his third strike, spent 12 years in prison for armed robbery. After establishing himself as a mid-level mob boss in the penal system, Dancer was released on good behavior. The fact that every year immediately following Christmas, at least one or two things in my house goes missing leads me to believe that Dancer’s life of crime isn’t over. What a prick.

Prancer. Do I really have to say more? This limp-wristed deer can’t be positioned behind Cupid anymore because of his love for Cupid’s backside, and the controversial Ass Lick of 2002. This sick bastard never learned appropriate social interaction, and ended up on the menu for two Scandinavian hunters back in 1942. He was rescued by the fat man in red, to form his sexual deviancy to the purpose of sneaking into every house in the world. Prancer loves making his way to San Francisco, and is often greeted with open arms and opener asses. Gross.

Vixen is the only female reindeer. Vixen is a whore.

Comet was once a great Olympic sprinter, until his fall from grace many years ago. He was found to be doping, and the steroids have given him horrible back acne, shrunk his testicles to the size of jelly beans, and given him an incredible temper. Comet was the reindeer who gave Rudolf his red nose, after a bar fight, when Comet smashed a pool cue across the most famous reindeer’s face over a dispute over who got to bang Vixen first. I’ll say it again: Vixen is a whore.

Cupid is the former dictator of a small country in Africa. Convicted of 7,252 separate counts of various war crimes including genocide, rape, and public masturbation, Cupid’s checkered past kept him from getting a job for many years after he was forcibly removed from his position in a military coup. Again, Santa’s mental manipulation brought Cupid into the fold, and he earned his position pulling the sled in a death match with his predecessor, Olive the reindeer. Cupid is easily the most feared reindeer, known for his love of knives and blood. Cupid is a douche, and he had better watch his back, because Donner and Blitzen are fed up with his $#!t.

Donner (or Donder-who effing cares) and Blitzen are two twins who were a huge inspiration for the Menendez brothers. They killed their mother during childbirth by gnawing through her spine on their way out, and their father joined her in death soon after. These sociopathic caribou have no respect for modern laws or societal norms, and have a running feud with Cupid. Donner and Blitzen are wanted for murder in 43 states and have escaped from 12 separate prisons because these effers can fly.

As for “the most Famous Reindeer of All”, Rudolf, he has been known to creepily watch your children while they sleep, and lick their ears. Although he hasn’t progressed to full-on sickness, last year he had to be forcibly restrained by Buddy the Elf from the bad touch. I hate Rudolf the soon-to-be child molester. Santa’s reindeer, you really piss me off.