NFL quarterbacks can generally be put into one of two categories. Either they tend to be good, honest God-fearing leaders of men or they tend to be complete screw-ups, vile degenerates more likely to be found crawling naked out of a whorehouse than studying film for their next game. Usually, the most successful quarterbacks fall into that first category. This is where you can find your crew-cut wearing heroes, like Bart Starr or Johnny Unitas. They are driven, hard-working champions who will accept nothing less than perfection, both on the field and off. Meanwhile, the members of the second category tend to be washouts and failures, like Ryan Leaf or Todd Marinovich. But occasionally, the stars align and create a perfect warrior who manages to be both a winner and an utter degenerate, and it is these fine men who we celebrate here today.
10 Joe Theismann
Joe Theismann is most famous for two things: having his leg ritually murdered by Lawrence Taylor who probably believed that the leg was filled with sweet, sweet crack and therefore had to be broken open, and for being a terrible announcer. But he also won a Super Bowl, which is made all the more impressive when you consider that he spent most of his time in and out of divorce court. Married three times, Theismann somehow managed to find the time in between screwing and fighting with his wives to steer the Redskins towards a Super Bowl title. As a bonus, Theismann also qualifies for father of the year seeing as how his son was busted for being a coke-head in 2002. Angry ex-wives, coke-head sons, mutilated legs… it’s all enough for Joe Theismann to sneak onto the list at number ten. Congrats, Joe!
9 Terry Bradshaw
Like Theismann, Bradshaw has seen his share of wedding chapels and divorce courts -– three of each to be exact. Still, despite the fact that to most observers Bradshaw has the IQ of a peanut and despite the fact that he spent more time dodging projectiles thrown by his angry wives than he did opposing linemen, he managed to win four Super Bowls as the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Bradshaw gets extra points for his first wife, who was crowned Miss Teenage America in 1969. For perspective’s sake, that would be like Philip Rivers or Eli Manning marrying Miley Cirus or like Aaron Rodgers announcing that he found his new wife after cruising around the parking lot of a Green Bay high school. That’s some impressive degeneracy right there. Bradshaw also gets bonus points for showing his ass in the movie Failure to Launch, in which we’re also led to believe that he is porking Kathy Bates. Uh, on second thought maybe he should lose points for that.
8 Joe Montana
Like Theismann and Bradshaw, Joe Montana is a member of the Three Wives Club, but Montana gets extra points for ditching his second wife for his third, a model he met on the set of a commercial for Schick. Montana’s nicknames include Joe Cool and Golden Joe, and trust me, you don’t earn those nicknames through community service and extra tithing at church. A man named Joe Cool with three wives, one of whom is a model, has at least a healthy degenerate streak in him. It’s just the way it is, and for that, and for leading the 49ers to four Super Bowl titles despite the distractions that go along with said degeneracy, Montana manages to check in at number eight on this list.
7 Tom Brady
Brady is the heir to Joe Montana both off the field and on. Like Montana, Brady has carved out a reputation as the ultimate winner. And, like Montana, he’s managed to parlay that success and his All-American looks into a secondary career as a notorious man-whore. But Brady is not content just to be Joe Cool’s equal. Oh no. After all, in many ways he is the evolutionary Montana, and nowhere is that more obvious than his off the field conquests. Montana may have left his second wife for a run of the mill model, but Brady left his pregnant movie star girlfriend, Bridget Moynihan, devastatingly gorgeous in her own right, for a bona fide supermodel, and perhaps the supermodel of the 21st century, Gisele Bundchen, who he then proceeded to also knock up. Well done, Tommy Boy. Meanwhile, Brady is also developing a reputation as a foppish dandy, complete with flowing locks and a predilection for Ugg Boots. Before too long, he’ll be tongue kissing dudes and banging his hot supermodel girlfriend at the same time. You better believe that’s enough to get him a spot on this list.
6 Jim McMahon
Jim McMahon is most famous for being the starting quarterback for the ’85 Bears team that won the Super Bowl and for starring in the infamous Super Bowl Shuffle rap video that accompanied that team’s success. He’s also well known for always wearing sunglasses and for pissing off head coach Mike Ditka. He also mooned reporters in the days leading up to the ’86 Super Bowl when they inquired about the health of his rumored to be injured ass. Impressive, but it’s not quite worthy of true degeneracy. What puts McMahon over the top is his post-career shenanigans, which are highlighted by a drunk driving arrest in 2003, where he supposedly told the police “I’m too drunk, you got me”, and by his role as spokesman for MVP, a company which specializes in “male enhancement.” Welcome to the list, Jim McMahon!
5 Joe Namath
Was there any doubt that Broadway Joe would be on this list? After all, he’s probably the most famous horn-dog in NFL history, the man who both legitimized the upstart AFL, and the man who dominated the New York City party scene like no other. In recent years, Namath has reintroduced himself to a younger audience through his drunken sexual harassment of sideline reported Suzy Kolber on live TV during a game, which reaffirmed his status as King of the NFL’s Cocksmen. Some will say this was a sad moment in an old man’s life, but those people don’t understand that it was just the crowning moment in the life of an old degenerate. Long live the king.
4 Brett Favre
Only a few years ago, Favre would have probably struggled to make this list. Sure, he had previously been exposed as a pill popping junky, but that was a long time ago and he had seemingly reformed his ways. Yeah, about that…
In the last year, we have learned more – much more – about Favre than we ever wanted to know. In addition to pain pills, Favre is also apparently addicted to sexting random women, from Jenn Sterger to his masseuse to, hell, probably the old lady who spends her retirement bagging his groceries at the supermarket. We also learned that The Ol’ Gunslinger is apparently packing a Derringer instead of a rifle. Once, Favre was held up as the paragon of manly toughness. Today, no one would be surprised if he was caught playing with himself at the local library. Oh well. You may not have retired with your dignity still intact, Brett, but at least you managed to move yourself up the rankings of one more list yet again.
3 Ken Stabler
Ken Stabler’s autobiography, published many years ago, was titled Snake and on the cover was a picture of an upside down Oakland Raiders helmet stuffed full of old beer cans. Inside were countless stories of Stabler running whores and playing while drunk and carrying on like the living, breathing definition of an utter degenerate. It is only a testament to the extreme degeneracy shown by the men at number one and number two on this list that Stabler isn’t ranked number one. He is degenerate royalty, the Duke of Drunk, the Count of… well, you get the point. He is an unrepentant degenerate, the sort of man who has racked up as many DUIs in the last 15 years – three – as he’s had divorces. It wouldn’t surprise anyone if Stabler was busted for drunkenly crashing a power boat in the Gulf of Mexico along with a harem of drunken hookers. This list is Ken Stabler’s destiny.
2 Ben Roethlisberger
The scope of Ben Roethlisberger’s degeneracy is perhaps not as wide as that of, say, Ken Stabler. His is not a career full of drunken missteps and wild parties. Instead, his is a career punctuated by extreme acts of degeneracy that would even leave a leading light of the degenerate community like Stabler shaking his head. After all, Roethlisberger is the only Super Bowl winning quarterback – hell, the only quarterback period – to be suspended by the NFL for allegedly sexually assaulting some poor lady. There’s a reason why Roger Goodell had to tell Roethlisberger to take a few snaps off and it’s not because he thought the dude was innocent. Look, there’s good wholesome degeneracy, which we have celebrated in this list, and then there’s the sordid, despicable degeneracy of Roethlisberger. I haven’t even mentioned that he was busted last summer for pissing all over a golf course and letting his junk flap in the breeze for all to see. That’s how heinous a degenerate Roethlisberger is. He’s a disgrace to the good names of men like Ken Stabler and Joe Namath.
1 Kurt Warner
I’m sure this is a bit of a surprise to most of you out there, who only know Kurt Warner as the wholesome, Christian family man whose presence on the football field was an inspiration to devotees of clean living everywhere. But what most of you don’t know is that Kurt Warner is actually Kurt Von Warner, suspected Nazi scientist*, who through decades of, uh, “research”, managed to develop a serum which both reversed the process of aging and allowed him to mask his true identity. Disguising himself as a lowly bagger in an Iowa grocery store, Warner fooled an entire nation into believing that he was just a humble product of hard work and determination. What people also don’t know is that Warner was forced to retire when a group of so-called “Nazi hunters” arrived from Israel, determined to take down the man once known as “Hitler’s Scourge” for his many atrocities committed before and during the second World War. It is even rumored that a group of Holocaust survivors broke down in tears when they saw Von Warner appear on their television screens during the Super Bowl, like some terrible ghost from hell. Sure, some people will say that this is all complete nonsense, made up because I needed one more quarterback to fill out this list, and it was either this or including Bob Griese for once making a mildly racist remark about Juan Pablo Montoya and tacos, but maybe – just maybe – Kurt Warner, or Kurt Von Warner I should say, is truly the greatest degenerate of them all.
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