Google is the biggest search engine since Alta Vista, probably. It’s
always there to answer your questions. Maybe not accurately, but it
tries. And, for the last while, it’s also tried its hand at asking your
question before you do as well. Basically, Google recognizes what
you’re typing in and, based on the most common searches using the same
words, it offers some suggestions for you. These suggestions are almost
always either borderline insane or offensive. But they can also be
informative, as in the case of modern race relations. How far has the
civil rights movement taken us, anyway? How much of a divide is there
across races? To the search engine, where we will confront these
questions head on and, in the interests of advancing racial harmony,
answer them!
White people, why do you wear shoes in the house? This is obviously a
cause for concern for people of all races and, frankly, I think it
transcends race. No one should wear shoes in the house. It’s not
proper. But, for those curious, we asked our resident expert on
whiteness (our intern) why white people wear shoes in the house. The
answer, of course, was because an unshod white foot will quickly pick up
dirt and debris, marring its porcelain-like veneer and, if caught at an
improper angle by one’s social betters or equals, could be mistaken for
the dusky foot of a Mulatto.
Oh God. It’s so racist. Oh man. OK, we’re trying to keep this open
and non-judgmental. We’re trying to be helpful. So let’s take this
one step at a time.
- Everyone loves Red Lobster. It’s delicious seafood at a reasonable
price and anyone who offers you endless shrimp has to be pretty decent.
- This is an optical illusion, probably a trick your mind has played on you after noticing how much you want to kiss Kanye West.
- Black people say axe when a hatchet just won’t do.
Oh, this isn’t much better at all. But hey, kudos to the ignorant for
heading to Google in an effort to better understand the world around
them, or whatever. On to the answers and racial harmony!
- Asia is a massive continent and includes such countries as Myanmar,
Armenia, India, Russia, Syria, Japan, Turkmenistan and Yemen. All of
these people will likely squint when looking at the sun however, in
their natural state, they have many different shaped eyes. Some even
have eye patches! Ahoy, Thai pirates!
- Have you perhaps confused Asians with Mexican wrestlers? This is a common mistake.
- Ironically, for the same reason Australian’s love it.
Do you feel the racial harmony yet? It’s like a sunny day in Arizona
up in here. If you have questions about our Latino friends, we can
offer some insight. Insight into your terrible, terrible questions.
- Are you sure all Latino men cheat? Isn’t it more likely that your
friend earned all those hotels fair and square and landed on Boardwalk
thanks to a lucky roll of the dice and nothing more?
- Great thespians such as Benjamin Bratt, Jimmy Smits and Javier
Bardem have all played dark roles but don’t be so quick to typecast
them. They can all play fun and light characters, too!
- Many scholars believe life originated in the Fertile Crescent which, of course, is in Asia. Isn’t that interesting?
- It’s the land of opportunity!
I don’t want to get bogged down in stuff that I feel may not be
serious. We all know white people eat mayonnaise. They also like
mayonnaise and they are likely to eat mayonnaise for dinner. However, as
we can see, the questions do get more in depth towards the end there
with the question regarding what white people smell like. The answer to
that question (tell me if you saw this coming) is power. Which,
interestingly, smells like mayo.
Thanks for being so inquisitive, guys. It’s cool that your questions
make me nervous about walking down the street alone and whatnot, and
I’d shut my laptop if anyone walked in the room, but that’s cool.
Knowledge isn’t always pretty. So maybe these questions are a little
more horrible than the last round, but that’s OK. The Klan is online
now and they’re a curious, if semi-literate, rabble. Let’s help them
out.
- What?
- Black people, over many years of trial and error, have developed a system whereby they wash their hair when they shower.
- When they wash their hair. Unless you mean what time of day, in
which case you should ask black people on a case by case basis to get an
answer. I like to think most will say in the morning or before bed.
Rice was first cultivated in the Yangtze River valley in China. For a
few hundred years, it could only be eaten at special occasions and
celebrations. Then, as cultivation expanded, it became more common and
affordable and was enjoyed all the time. When Marco Polo famously made
his trip to the far East he was the first non-Asian permitted to enjoy
rice, but he could only eat it under full sun to prove he was not a
demon. After trade routes had been set up with China, this tradition
was upheld for a few years until it was discovered demons could eat rice
in just about any kind of lighting. But back to the point, Asians eat
rice whenever they like.
Sometimes we forget that even white people, historically the holders
of all the power, are just as confusing and different to other races as
other races are to them. Poor white people! But poor you if you don’t
understand them, either. So let’s help with a couple of questions that
clearly need answering.
- After lunch but before bed.
- Same, but generally on Thanksgiving Day. White people opted to celebrate it on the same day as everyone else back in 1951.
Let’s end things on a bit of an existential note, because really,
does the essence of a person have a color? Not to invoke any religious
aspect, but for lack of a better word, is your soul black or white?
And, as someone took the time do ask, where do black people go when they
die? For just under $8,000, they can become a 0.5 carat diamond thanks
to the good people at LifeGem. Of course, white people can do that,
too.
