I found a place in Times Square that sells $1 dollar pizza. The pizza was good and cheap but only the plain slices. If you wanted a topping it doubled to $2. So I started finding ways to get free toppings. One thing you can do is ask for some of the garlic from the Garlic knots on top. Also try taking off the cheese and then covering the saucey slice in Parmesan cheese instead. Then put little pieces of the original cheese on and around the slice. Now you feel like you’re in a fancy pizzeria! It’s really all about improvising with free things. I asked for a glass of water with extra lemon the other night at a restaurant. I took sugar off the table poured it into my glass, squeezed the lemon, and made lemonade for free. It was on the menu for $4!!! Also mine was fresh squeezed and customized to my sweetness satisfaction.
Compare and contrast what the local homeless guys are asking in the neighborhood. Some only want 5 cents whereas others are asking for a whole quarter. It is important to stick with the same guy so that if you’re ever short on your fare for the subway you can hit him up for a loan and he will have to oblige. Think of him as an ATM with no fee and an authentic smell of the city pre-Guiliani.
It’s important to have an account with your local deli owner. You need to learn a few words of Arabic. This is what I will teach you:
My favorite place is the subway and my favorite band are the three Mexicans that run from Subway car to Subway car at every stop. I want to just hand them a bowl and some avocados and then have them make me guacamole on the spot like they do in fancy restaurants. I think I will try that sometime soon. I wonder sometimes if those guys think they are going to be the next Beatles and if they just get on the right Subway platform they will hit big like the four lads did on Sullivan. Oh to play the A train Essey das my dree’. Crey’se eh!
Take a trip your local food stamp office. There you will find many fights break out on the long DMV-like lines where people are waiting endlessly for food stamp approval and no one is in a good mood. Also you can really see NYC as a melting pot again because every race and ethnicity is on that line. Watch an Indian and a Hassidic Jew fight a Puerto Rican and a black lady over who was in line first. Spoiler alert: the black lady wins that one but then gets bought out by the Jew and her place on line is then rented to the Indian. The Puerto Rican then storms past all of them as he gives them the finger. It’s a magical place full of fun and adventure.
This is just some harmless fun I like to have when I can’t afford a movie ticket. I go into crazy expensive puppy mill retail specialists and complain how all my dogs drop like goldfish, apparently feeding them Muscle Milk and Aderall is bad, who knew?! Then I ask to play with one cause “the one I just bought last week is already almost ready to tap out” then you argue that you’re a paying customer as Antwon the “pup-a-rista” pulls you out the door by your ear all as you scream “You can’t do this, I’m calling the better business bureau on you!” Seriously though folks don’t kill your dogs.
Most hotels in NYC have various events with catering. All you need for this is a nice suit, a smile and an expired room card key. Just something that you can flash at security real quick so you can get in without a problem. These functions are the mecca of free food moochery. Plus, you can network with everyone from IT guys from San Antonio to the manager of a regional branch of a Saab dealership in Milwaukee. Oh, the interesting people you will meet.
All the magazine covers claim that they know what the best sex is. But they don’t. I’ll tell you right now what it is: free sex. And when I say free sex, I mean sex that’s totally free. Find a partner in your neighborhood at a local bar while sipping on some of that homemade lemonade I told you about earlier. You can’t offer to buy her a drink. In this egilaterian world, that’s sexist. In fact, tell her that. She’ll be so impressed with your psuedo feminist philosophy that you will have her buying drinks and the cab back to your place in no time. When’s the last time you rode in a cab? If you want to make the cab ride even classier, have her throw the driver an extra dollar to put on a fake British accent. That way, you’ll feel like you have your own personal chaffeur. “That will be all, Buckley!” “My name is Waheed.” “Sure it is Buckley. Sure it is.”
It is a well known fact that if it wasn’t for M&M and Snickers bars being sold on the NYC subway system, there would be no NBA. This guy came up to me, asking me to buy candy to support his basketball team. He must have been pulling that scam for so many years, he forgot he was 50. What basketball team was that? The old lying men on the subway basketball team? Eh? Eh? Heh heh heh heh? Well, whatever. The point is, you gotta find your scam.
This one is no joke. I really just think people need to start going to the park. It’s got fresh air, many ways to exercise. It’s good to be around nature and no matter what you’re like, you’ll always look good in a park because there will always be someone who is more of a creep there than you. And best of all, it doesn’t cost a damn cent. You can always try and crash a picnic while you’re there. Just look for the dates that don’t seem to be going too well. Walk over to them and say “I couldn’t help but notice that your picnic doesn’t seem to be working out for you guys. Since there probably won’t be a second date anyway, do you mind if I finish off that watermelon and hummus?” People love when you do that. Usually they will say “yeah sure” and then you will all just laugh and take in the sunshine.Taxes for the top 2 percent are very likely to go higher. Uncle Sam’s share of capital gains and dividend income might rise, and means-testing for Social Security and Medicare is probable. In the United States, the very rich hold most of that wealth in dollars, which are worth increasingly less. As income inequality has grown dramatically in the nation, the very wealthy are blamed for all manner of social ills.
Rather than pile on the wealthy, this week I’d like to approach the subject of money a little more philosophically. There are surprising insights to be gleaned from the experiences of the very wealthy regarding their investments and experience with wealth.
Some context: In my day job, I come into contact with very high-net-worth individuals. These include young technologists with modest portfolios to families that measure their wealth in nine and 10 figures. For the math-averse, that’s hundreds of millions to billions of dollars.
Over the years, I have had some fascinating conversations with people who have hospitals and graduate schools named after them. I’d like to share some of the things I have learned from these folks.
1. Having money is better than not having money.
Sure, this may be obvious, but let’s get it out of the way upfront. Money may not buy you happiness, but it buys many other important things. Like financial security, excellent health care, education, travel and a comfortable retirement. In a word: freedom.
2. Don’t become “cash rich” and “time poor.”
Devoting all of your waking hours to making money is a problem, especially in professions with a partnership fast track. Lawyers, doctors, bankers and accountants can get so caught up in the competitive nature of their jobs that they lose touch with their family. Any semblance of a normal personal life disappears, and a very unhealthy balance between work and home can develop.
Work is the process of exchanging your time for money. Remember: What you do with your time is far more meaningful than the goods you accumulate with your money. If you are working so much to become rich but you ignore your spouse and miss seeing your kids grow up, you are actually poorer than you realize.
3. Memories are better than material objects.
You may be surprised to learn that among the monied set, expensive cars, yachts, houses, jewelry and watches come at the end of the list.
Their priorities? Memories and accomplishments. This was especially true when it came to family. Toys matter less than good times.
The rule of diminishing returns is a harsh mistress with luxury goods. Do you really think $100,000 audio speakers sound 20 times better than a pair of $5,000 speakers? (They don’t). Is a $250,000 sports car five times faster than a $50,000? (It is not). These days, you can buy quite a lovely home for $1,000,000 (and much less in the country’s interior). Those $10,000,000 manses are not 10 times roomier. Anyone who has owned a $10,000 Rolex will tell you that a $39 Casio keeps better time.
When discussing the benefits of wealth, I have heard again and again about amazing experiences, family get-togethers, vacations, shows, sporting events, weddings and other events as these people’s most important life experiences. While these things cost money, nearly every family can afford reasonable versions of them.
4. Watch your “lifestyle leverage,” especially early in your career.
