50 Life Lessons Every One Should Know By The Age Of 50

The following 50 valuable life lessons where written by Regina Brett, from Cleveland , Ohio.
These gems of knowledge have been learnt over the past 50 years, why would you not want to get your knowledge up and read on for a little ‘Life 101′.

50 Life Lessons

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
35. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative – dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
41. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

Credit : Addicted2Success.com

Six Tips For Surviving Hurricane Irene In One Piece

As we all know by now, Hurricane Irene is bearing down on the Eastern seaboard and ready to wreak havoc from South Carolina all the way up into New York. For anybody that lives near the Atlantic coast between these regions, this is a pretty tense time.
We here at The Smoking Jacket can’t afford to send them any food, batteries, fresh water or extra blankets, so we’re going to lend a hand the only way we know how — an advice column. Attempting to save millions of lives is a neat little first for us, and after this we might try tackling that whole global warming thing, but for now we have a series of simple tips for surviving Hurricane Irene in three stages: the before, during, and after.
Before Hurricane

Wean yourself off technology…

This hurricane is not just coming for your property, it’s coming for your information (pornhub) superhighway, too. If you decide to man up, board up your house, and wait it out like the Swiss Family Robinsons, you need to be ready for the technology withdrawal that comes with it. This storm’s going to knock out your TV and internet connection for a spell—which means some preparation is in order so you don’t try to kill Shelley Duvall with an axe five minutes after the wind starts shrieking.
Start by using your internet only for weather updates. Ditto for TV, and in between that try watching PBS, or CSPAN, or the first season of AMC’s The Killing to build up your tolerance for skull-smashing boredom. Then think of stuff you did as a kid that passed the time—stuff that defined fun before you grew up, like spin the bottle, or Ouija board or some combination if you maybe want to invoke dead grandma and cop a feel on whoever you’re sharing the house with at the same time.

Befriend a cripple…

If Forrest Gump taught us anything, it’s that God tends to smile upon those he thinks got a raw deal in life. He smiles upon them so much that he sometimes gives them a get-out-of-death-free card as a consolation prize. Would dumbass Private Gump have been the only fishing boat to survive that tropical storm if he hadn’t had legless Lieutenant Dan on board? In our educated opinion…no.
As far as we know, no other boats had any hard luck cripples under their employment. Coincidence? We think not. If there is such a thing as karma, you can’t do much better for yourself in a life-or-death hurricane situation than saddling up with a cripple. God may not owe you a solid, but he damn sure owes one to your new buddy. Let his cosmic invincibility rub off on you.
During Hurricane

Navigate the landscape by any means…

If worse comes to worse and you have to ride the ravenous, all-rising, all-consuming tide to safer ground like Snake Plissken in Escape From L.A., just remember that there’s a lot of things that float. Don’t be afraid to get creative. Looters in New Orleans during Hurricane Katrina floated from store to store using mattresses as rafts, and garbage cans as suitcases to store their new stuff in
.
It’s not as bad if you just think of it as an adventure, like Huck Finn going down the Mississippi. Who knows? Maybe you’ll make friends with a person from a different race, and people will write songs about the triumph of the human spirit starring you and that other guy burying the hatchet on that whole colonialism/slavery/centuries of mistrust thing by sharing a piece of driftwood.

Stay the eff away from NFL stadiums…

Ouch…too soon? Whenever one of these pre-doomsday natural disasters rolls around, a rational person tends to reexamine what’s really important in their lives and revert back to a certain caveman constitution of survival our prehistoric forefathers used to outwit wooly mammoths and velociraptors and stuff. Your brain gets rewired from “I think it’s time my neighbor and I had a polite conversation about his tree branch hanging over my lawn” to “I’m cutting my neighbor’s throat for that last MRE.”
You put a lot of people like this into one place, and bad things can happen. Any old shelter with a roof and four walls can turn into the Roman Coliseum. When Katrina was busy ass-raping New Orleans, about 20,000 people who used the Louisiana Superdome as an emergency shelter witnessed the place turn into a minor hellhole in just a couple days, with reports of gang assaults, rapes, robberies, drug-dealing, vandalism and the total collapse of the arena’s toilet system. So unless you’re ready to deal with all that shit—literally—stay away.
After Hurricane

Don’t put all your eggs in the FEMA basket

FEMA officially stands for Federal Emergency Management Agency, not Federal Save Us From The Hurricanes Foundation. It’s easy for us to sit back and crack jokes about how gravely they effed up post-Katrina relief efforts, but the truth is they have more on their plate to worry about than just hurricanes. They exist for all disasters, not just natural ones. If there’s another 9/11 or zombie outbreak, or foreign war out there, that’s also their responsibility to plan & prepare for.
Knocking on their door with your hands out after a hurricane levels yours and about a hundred thousand other houses is like standing in line with the whole city of Reno waiting to see a doctor you’ve never seen before and expecting him to cure you in about ten minutes.

Just move to Kansas or something, already…

Living within a stone’s throw of the ocean and complaining about a hurricane, or a tsunami for that matter, coming every once in a while to lay waste to everything you own is a little like being a part of the Brody family and complaining about a giant shark eating up all of your relatives. If it sucks so bad, just relocate to a place where nature doesn’t hate you so much.
The Midwest, for instance. No hurricanes there, right? It’s not such a bad place. On the contrary—it’s peaceful, and unassuming. Celebrities go there when they want to clear their heads. Aliens use it when they need somebody to anally probe. The only thing you have to worry about is the occasional tornado, and if Bill Paxton can outrun one, so can you.

Life : 7 Signs You Bite Off More Than You Can Chew

Yes there were times I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all
And I stood tall and did it my way

My Way, Frank Sinatra

Have you felt burdened lately? Asking yourself why you told your office-mate, “Yes, I’ll do that. Don’t worry”. Even when you can’t find time to change your bathroom’s light-bulb? You are probably biting off more than you can chew and as Frankie said, better realise it and spit it out. Don’t let stress control you: you can gauge it and keep it under tight control.

Signs you are biting off too much

1. Lack of time for personal projects
This is one sign that can be easily overlooked, but it is the easiest to see. Does your reading pile keep growing? Creating a spice rack is always a dream of the future? If there are a lot of things you’d like to do but never seem to find enough time to carry on, you’re probably asking of yourself too much.
Write down everything you need to do, to keep in mind how much you are skipping now, to remember it later too. Much like the GTD projects list, stuff that is outside your head lets your mind work more effectively.

2. Feeling wasted

This is less useful as a sign: it is widely extended these days. Do you feel tired almost all day long, dozing after lunch and longing for a long sleep in the weekend? You probably are trading sleep hours for more work, paperwork or personal projects. Or you are not enjoying enough free and fun time to clear your mind of the daily grind.
Look at your schedule. Do you have fun periods in it? If not, add them. Whatever you enjoy and are not doing. For example; playing with your kids or having a few hours to read quietly in some cafe.

3. Sleep disorders

Linked to the previous sign, sleep disorders are common. There are too many things going on in your mind, and you have trouble sleeping, even in the weekend. Or you wake up repeatedly during the night.
Be sure to add some cool off time before going to sleep. You need to have a clear mind before going to bed. If you don’t you’ll have a hard time sleeping.

4. Eating disorders

Either you are hungerless at meal time or you want to eat at odd hours. This is hard to catch, but it is also easy to keep adding weight. Beware of your meal habits and don’t put on weight that you can’t drop!
Be sure to eat at fixed times each day, don’t skip meals and over all else don’t work during lunch or supper. Promise!

5. Bad temper

Is it easier to drive you to anger? You go nuts after you learn there is no sugar for your coffee? This is also a sign that you are trying to do more things than your brain is capable of.
You can tick this sign if you lose your nerves for small things, like a misplaced folder or the previous example about the sugar and coffee combo.

6. Trouble concentrating

Do you feel like you are in the middle of a whirlwind and unable to focus on anything? Do you jump around aimlessly, trying to put out too many fires that you ignore what is most important? This is a clear sign that there is too much in your brain’s RAM and too little to spare any attention.
This issue may be harder to spot, since these days multitasking is king, and single-tasking is less frequent (although desirable it is much more desirable). Always try to focus on just one task. Unless you are a firefighter or work in time-critical issues, finish off things and then just cover the ashes.

7. Memory problems

Closely related to the previous sign, you’re likely to have a hard time remembering things. Your boss will tell you about “that project I told you last week” and you’ll be clueless. Your partner will shout at you about forgetting dinner out and you’ll scratch your head about it.
Try to write down everything you need to remember, just in case. Keep a journal or daily log to keep track of anything you need to remember.
Of course, take all these recommendations with a grain of salt: if you are very stressed, consult a professional. Don’t let these hard-to-catch stressors catch you off-guard.

How to Rate Girls: The Base Ten Scale Defined

Regardless of who you are, or what you’re into, I can pretty much guarantee you’re familiar with the base ten female rating scale.
The problem with this scale is every man has created his own definition of what each number represents. This is somewhat understandable as one man’s 2 can be another man’s 10. This is a quirk of life we should all be thankful for as every time a guy takes a dive we not only pull the grenade from the game, but it’s just one less guy to usurp in the field.
For this reason alone, any guy happily out hogging should be left to do so in peace. While you might not want to see your buddy leave with Jabba the Hut, he’s doing a service to everyone else in the game. Plus if that’s what gets him off, who are you to deprive him?
If you’re one of these men, then this scale is not for you personally, but as a point of reference to be used when talking to other Men. Nothing will label as an outcast quicker than claiming Rosie O’Donnell as the top of your celebrity fuck list.

Setting the Limits

The biggest mistake men make with the base ten rating scale is not applying hard limits. If your scale goes from 1-10, no girl can be an 11. This is science people, and in science everything has to fall on or within the limits of your scale.
This means a 1 has to be the ugliest girl in the world, and a 10 has to be the sexiest. If you label a girl as a 10, and then find a sexier girl who clearly trumps her, she will take the top slot, bumping everyone else down to their appropriate categories. You don’t add new numbers to scale or the entire thing becomes diluted and frivolous.

The Law of Averages

Since the straight sexual appeal of a girl is completely subjective, and every girl can move up or down the scale by a point or two depending on when and where you see them, the scale needs to be populated by the average score of the girl in question.
We’ve all taken home an 8 from the bar, only to wake up next to a 6. Thanks to high-heel shoes, low-cut tops, soft lips and hard drinks the girl’s original score can be greatly inflated. It’s up to you to take the average of the good, the bad and the ugly versions of the girl; then adjust her score accordingly.
I’ve known girls who walk around as a 6, but will turn every guy’s head once the sun has set and the girl has performed some sort of sex-appeal witchcraft in the hours before heading out. In a scenario like this with a 6-8 split it’s best to simply take the average and slot her in as a 7. This way your rating is always in the ballpark, regardless of the time of day.

Efficiency > Accuracy

The entire point of this scale is to have a quick, and accurate, way to rate girls and relay that rating to our friends. Accuracy is always important, but the subjectiveness of the scale makes it a waste of time to get too anal about the issue.
Focus on being efficient, and bend the rules when need be. Technically our top limit of 10 should be reserved exclusively for the hottest girl in the world. In reality, the 10 slot will fit for any of the hottest girls in the world. For example, it would stupid to spend the time trying to slot the girls below into their own rankings, when they can all be lumped into the top slot.

Pro Tip: If they’re an official Victoria’s Secret model, they’re a 10. Don’t bother putting more thought into it than that. To be honest, the difference between a 9 and a 10 is almost negligible. It really just comes down to public opinion. There are many models out there just as beautiful as the best Victoria’s Secret models, but it’s that “official” validation which puts them over the top.

Don’t Fear the Fraction

There are billions of girls in this world, and only 10 slots on our scale. You’re going to come across girls who just don’t fit well at any rank. In cases like this it’s fine to rock a fraction. That being said there are a couple of rules when it comes to female rating fractions.
Rule 1: Rounding

• Any girl landing below the halfway point of two rankings must be rounded down to the lower ranking. For example a girl rated as a 7.3 would be relegated to a 7.
• A .6 is always rounded down to .5

Rule 2: Mid or High
Referring back to Efficiency > Accuracy, it doesn’t make sense to fret over a girl being a 7.8 or a 7.9. If she’s more than midway, she’s simply a “high seven”. Trying to nail down an exact decimal is a waste of time.
In short: A girl is a 7, a 7.5 or a high 7. Any other options are frivolous.

Don’t Waste Time below the Median

If a girl is less than a 5, she’s not worth the energy of slotting into the scale on the fly. Slots 1-4 are there in case you need them, but when you’re in the game those girls are simply not worth the ink. Then again if you’re lucky enough to come across a legitimate 1, that’s definitely something worth taking note.
I’m not sure who or what the ugliest girl in the world would look like, but I’m pretty sure it’s epic-as-fuck. In fact if you come across it, take a picture and ship it my way. You can get at me on twitter or email me.

A Quick Visual Guide of How To Rate Girls

10 - The HOttest girl(s) in the world.	9 - Hot enough to make a good living off modelling, or gold digging.
8 - The hottest “regular girls” you’ll see around. Typically the highest ranking pull obtainable by the regular Joe.	7 – You’d take her home on a slow night, but she would never be your first choice.
6 – Will do in a pinch, but you’ll want to go in armed with a paper bag and an excuse to bounce ASAP. Nnot a girl you want to eat breakfast with.	5 – You better be drunk, and make sure none of your friends sees you leaving with this one. In fact you’ll often have a better time in your basement with a warm towel and some hand lotion.
4 – No.	3 – Ohh god, no!
2 – You’re kidding? She clearly has hooves.	1 – I hope you’re at a circus.

There you have it; the finer workings of the base ten ranking scale. It’s up to you to decide where your range of acceptability fits. Where you put your personal basement is up to you, just know this: this is the way the scale works, it is how girls are judged, and depending on the girls you spend time with it is how you will be judged.
If you’re happy below the median, that’s your choice. Just be prepared to weather the bro-back.

Top 10: Proven Ways To Improve Your Attractiveness

Much of the research into what women find attractive in men has focused on their earning power or how afraid they are of commitment. Increasingly, however, effort has been directed toward determining what women find physically attractive in a man, as these traits may carry just as much, if not more, weight in the dating game. Here we bring you a roundup of the physical traits that scientists have suggested women look for in a man, along with tips on how you can use this information to become irresistible.

 

No.10 Remove excess body hair

A study conducted in New Zealand and California that investigated women's preferences regarding men's physical traits found that when shown photographs of men with varying amounts of body hair, women gave higher ratings to those with less and less. Ratings for attractiveness tended to decrease as the amount of chest and abdominal hair increased. To look better topless before a big date, shave the night before, wax a couple of days earlier, or start investing in laser hair removal or thinking about other hair removal trends in general.

Time It Takes: Ten minutes (or more, if you've got a lot of hair).

No.9 Brood for short-term pairings

In one study, when women were asked to rank photographs of men in terms of carnal sexual attraction rather than for long-term-relationship potential, the women selected men who looked broody or proud as being more appealing than smiling men. The takeaway message here is that if you're looking for a short-term fling or a one-night stand, being a little moody might make things easier.

Time It Takes: A few minutes of negative thinking can put you in a brooding frame of mind.

No.8 Smile for long-term relationships

Non-ovulating women seeking long-term relationships find feminized male faces attractive. Evolutionary psychologists postulate that a warmer, more inviting male face may suggest an increased tendency toward prosocial behavior (more likely to stick around for the long haul). Men in the market for a serious, committed relationship should therefore aim to demonstrate that they're a nice guy. The quickest way to look like you're able to look good in potential wedding photos, of course, is to smile.

Time It Takes: A nanosecond.

No.7 Wear shoes with half-inch heels

Although your female friends might tell you that personality is what really counts, research has revealed that women show a strong preference toward men who are taller than them. This finding doesn't mean you have to be a pro basketball player to have lots of luck with the ladies, but it does suggest that you can waste less time finding a date by confining your search to women who are a couple of inches shorter than you. You can also give yourself more of a height advantage by slipping on a pair of loafers with a half-inch heel.

Time it takes: Five seconds (not counting the time it takes to buy shoes).

No.6 Stand up straight

Similar to the way women show a tendency toward taller men, they also look for men with superior posture. There may be several reasons why improving your posture could increase your chances with the opposite sex. Notably, straightening your spine obviously makes you seem taller, but it also might make you appear more confident, more dominant and more open to being approached.

Time It Takes: One second.

No.5 Create a masculine jaw

Women in the most fertile phase of their cycle appear to prefer men with chiseled jawlines. Scientists hypothesize that the high testosterone levels responsible for the appearance of masculine facial traits at puberty also suppress immune functioning, meaning that men with this facial feature may have strong immune systems and therefore be a good catch from a genetic perspective. Men with small chins can use facial hair to create the look of a more prominent jawline. More specifically, a beard that covers the chin area will add volume to a smaller face and make it seem very manly.

Time It Takes: A few weeks, depending on how fast your facial hair grows.

No.4 Use facial hair to promote symmetry

A huge body of research supports the notion that women find men with symmetrical faces more attractive. Scientists theorize that facial symmetry may be a signal to women that a man is healthy and therefore a good choice for a mate. To create a more symmetrical-looking mug, try playing around with the hair on your face. Men who favor a clean shave, for example, should take care not to leave patches of hair on their faces. Those with beards and mustaches can experiment with different looks to determine which styles help create more balance between the two halves of their face. Finally, don't forget to tweeze your brows as grooming them is one of the quickest ways to significantly alter your appearance for the better.

Time It Takes: Ten minutes.

No.3 Use clothes to create a v-shape

In study after study, v-shaped bodies are deemed more attractive by women. The ideal v-shaped body has a waist-to-hip ratio of approximately 0.9-1.0 and a chest-to-waist ratio of around 1.33. While exercising should represent your primary strategy for achieving your ultimate body, you can also fake a better body with the right clothes. To give the impression of broader shoulders, invest in a couple of well-tailored blazers and live in them. If your focus is on slimming your torso, favor v-neck tops that skim over your body so it doesn’t fit too loosely or tightly.

Time It Takes: Five seconds.

No.2 Don't put on too much cologne

The way you smell may play an important role in whether or not a given woman will be attracted to you. Some studies on the science of scent and attraction have suggested that women unconsciously use their sense of smell to determine how different genetically a man is from them (essentially, the more different your genetic material is, the more attracted to you she will be). The trick here is to let your natural smell come through as much as possible in order to attract a woman with whom you'll have dynamite chemistry, so spritz on cologne with a light hand.

Time It Takes: A few seconds.

No.1 Exercise

If you consider yourself a player or you would like to become one, it's time to start logging more time at the gym, as studies have shown that women looking for a short-term fling gravitate toward muscular males. Fortunately, as long as you're willing to put in regular sweat sessions and eat properly, a cut body is an achievable goal for most guys. Do be careful, however, not to overdo it, as research has shown that women prefer toned men to ultramuscular guys.

Time It Takes: One hour or more per day.








 

Ten Ways to Live in NYC On the Cheap (Like It Matters To Me...)

This week’s lesson: How to survive in New York City on the cheap.

1. Buy $1 Pizza
I found a place in Times Square that sells $1 dollar pizza. The pizza was good and cheap but only the plain slices. If you wanted a topping it doubled to $2. So I started finding ways to get free toppings. One thing you can do is ask for some of the garlic from the Garlic knots on top. Also try taking off the cheese and then covering the saucey slice in Parmesan cheese instead. Then put little pieces of the original cheese on and around the slice. Now you feel like you’re in a fancy pizzeria! It’s really all about improvising with free things. I asked for a glass of water with extra lemon the other night at a restaurant. I took sugar off the table poured it into my glass, squeezed the lemon, and made lemonade for free. It was on the menu for $4!!! Also mine was fresh squeezed and customized to my sweetness satisfaction.
2. Find a Reasonably Priced Homeless Guy
Compare and contrast what the local homeless guys are asking in the neighborhood. Some only want 5 cents whereas others are asking for a whole quarter. It is important to stick with the same guy so that if you’re ever short on your fare for the subway you can hit him up for a loan and he will have to oblige. Think of him as an ATM with no fee and an authentic smell of the city pre-Guiliani.
3. Learn Some Arabic
It’s important to have an account with your local deli owner. You need to learn a few words of Arabic. This is what I will teach you:
“Shock-run” means thank you. Just drop that in from time to time and then mumble something about how shit the American Government is as you pay for your Yodeles. By the third or fourth visit he will ask you if you’re Arabic. This is where you say nothing- just smile wink and pay for your drakes. You never give a definitive answer to that question but one day later that week go to pay and then say “Habibi it’s ok I bring you two dollars next time my friend?” then they will say “ok brother” then you say “thank Alla shock-run” and congratulations you now have your first virtual credit card. No plastic, no interest no mess.
Shock-run you say?  Afwan Habibi, Afwan (you’re welcome).
By the way, if your friendship ever gets to the point where he offers you a ride on his flying carpet, remember three things.

1. That might mean a totally different thing than it did in the Disney film.B
2. e careful who’s flying it and where he went to pilot school.
3. Check if it has bedbugs.

4. Free Concerts
My favorite place is the subway and my favorite band are the three Mexicans that run from Subway car to Subway car at every stop. I want to just hand them a bowl and some avocados and then have them make me guacamole on the spot like they do in fancy restaurants. I think I will try that sometime soon. I wonder sometimes if those guys think they are going to be the next Beatles and if they just get on the right Subway platform they will hit big like the four lads did on Sullivan. Oh to play the A train Essey das my dree’. Crey’se eh!
5. This One I Call: “Want to watch a live taping of a Jerry Springer type show but can’t get tickets?”
Take a trip your local food stamp office. There you will find many fights break out on the long DMV-like lines where people are waiting endlessly for food stamp approval and no one is in a good mood. Also you can really see NYC as a melting pot again because every race and ethnicity is on that line. Watch an Indian and a Hassidic Jew fight a Puerto Rican and a black lady over who was in line first. Spoiler alert: the black lady wins that one but then gets bought out by the Jew and her place on line is then rented to the Indian. The Puerto Rican then storms past all of them as he gives them the finger. It’s a magical place full of fun and adventure.
I know this is off topic but would you call Ed Lover a “Black media legend” at his age? McDonald’s does and so does a 400 pound Tranny from Trinidad. I learned that at a food stamps office the hard way, I can’t say more than that.
6. Get Kicked Out of Boutique Puppy Shops
This is just some harmless fun I like to have when I can’t afford a movie ticket. I go into crazy expensive puppy mill retail specialists and complain how all my dogs drop like goldfish, apparently feeding them Muscle Milk and Aderall is bad, who knew?! Then I ask to play with one cause “the one I just bought last week is already almost ready to tap out” then you argue that you’re a paying customer as Antwon the “pup-a-rista” pulls you out the door by your ear all as you scream “You can’t do this, I’m calling the better business bureau on you!” Seriously though folks don’t kill your dogs.
7. Start Crashing Functions at Hotels
Most hotels in NYC have various events with catering. All you need for this is a nice suit, a smile and an expired room card key. Just something that you can flash at security real quick so you can get in without a problem. These functions are the mecca of free food moochery. Plus, you can network with everyone from IT guys from San Antonio to the manager of a regional branch of a Saab dealership in Milwaukee. Oh, the interesting people you will meet.
8. Free Condoms
All the magazine covers claim that they know what the best sex is. But they don’t. I’ll tell you right now what it is: free sex. And when I say free sex, I mean sex that’s totally free. Find a partner in your neighborhood at a local bar while sipping on some of that homemade lemonade I told you about earlier. You can’t offer to buy her a drink. In this egilaterian world, that’s sexist. In fact, tell her that. She’ll be so impressed with your psuedo feminist philosophy that you will have her buying drinks and the cab back to your place in no time. When’s the last time you rode in a cab? If you want to make the cab ride even classier, have her throw the driver an extra dollar to put on a fake British accent. That way, you’ll feel like you have your own personal chaffeur. “That will be all, Buckley!” “My name is Waheed.” “Sure it is Buckley. Sure it is.”
Alright, so here’s where the free condoms come in. Grab some in the bar – every bar in NYC has free city-sponsored condoms. Make sure you have an empty Trojan wrapper handy, though. When she’s not looking, slip it over the free NYC one. Then turn around, make it look like you busted open the wrapper, and bust out that free condom. The safest sex is the sex that doesn’t put any strain on your bank account.
9. Sell Candy for Your “Basketball Team”
It is a well known fact that if it wasn’t for M&M and Snickers bars being sold on the NYC subway system, there would be no NBA. This guy came up to me, asking me to buy candy to support his basketball team. He must have been pulling that scam for so many years, he forgot he was 50. What basketball team was that? The old lying men on the subway basketball team? Eh? Eh? Heh heh heh heh? Well, whatever. The point is, you gotta find your scam.
10. Go to the Park
This one is no joke. I really just think people need to start going to the park. It’s got fresh air, many ways to exercise. It’s good to be around nature and no matter what you’re like, you’ll always look good in a park because there will always be someone who is more of a creep there than you. And best of all, it doesn’t cost a damn cent. You can always try and crash a picnic while you’re there. Just look for the dates that don’t seem to be going too well. Walk over to them and say “I couldn’t help but notice that your picnic doesn’t seem to be working out for you guys. Since there probably won’t be a second date anyway, do you mind if I finish off that watermelon and hummus?” People love when you do that. Usually they will say “yeah sure” and then you will all just laugh and take in the sunshine.

The 7 Types of Friend Everyone Needs

Just like a superhero team or jewel thief gang needs each member to specialize in a different skill set, a good circle of friends also needs a wide range of useful skills. While a superhero team might need a guy who is superstrong and a guy who has a lot of gadgets, your friend team might consist of a guy who can get you discounts at the Best Buy and a guy who's totally cool with feeding your cats when you're out.

When I suggest assembling such a team, I'm not suggesting you go around preying on emotionally vulnerable people who can do useful things for you and pretend to be their friend. I'm just saying that if you happen to run into some cool people you enjoy hanging out with, who also own a pickup truck, don't take them for granted.
Sure, you can have friends that are just fun people, or that you are fond of for no logical reason, but that doesn't mean you don't also want to have friends such as:

#7.

The Friend With a Pickup Truck

Everyone has to move sometime, and even if you don't, you probably are going to go on Craigslist and buy a TV or a couch or a caged bear sometime, and have to pick it up. Sooner or later, you are going to reach the limit of what you can carry in the trunk with the backseats folded down.

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This is way past it.

That's where the friend with the pickup truck comes in. You can take that IKEA box or bear cage that you've been unsuccessfully trying to stuff in your Civic for the past hour and just toss it in their truckbed.
This is a friendship you really have to be careful with, though. Pickup truck owners in circles of friends who mostly don't have pickup trucks usually tend to feel a little used, especially if they have trouble saying no. If you spot a look of terror in their eyes when you ask, "Hey, you have a pickup truck, don't you?" you might want to step lightly.

That look.

You can bake them some cookies or take them out to dinner, but you probably want to make sure you can pay them back with something that's equally hard on you and helpful for them, like helping them hide a prostitute they killed, or maybe just something else on this list.
If you're in high school, this can probably be expanded to just "the friend with a car."

#6.

The Friend Who "Knows About Computers"

This is the Internet, so I'm sure a lot of you are into computers yourselves, but there's also a lot of people like me who get bored to tears reading about technical details of graphics cards, processors, audio equipment and the like. It's not that we're necessarily too dumb to understand the principles, but I personally can't stay awake while comparing benchmark tests on Tom's Hardware or reading a debate on the best way to overclock something.

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The coffee, it does nothing.

I do need to occasionally buy a computer or computer parts, in order to play a fun game or do some 3D graphics work, which, while also technical, apparently requires a totally different kind of brain than the kind that is fascinated by hardware specs.
"But you can get all that information on the Internet now," you might say. "Unless you are some kind of slow grandma type who doesn't know what Google is." But it's not exactly right at your fingertips. Outside of the occasional CNET or PC Magazinecomparison article (which is so occasional that the category you're looking for is usually a year or so out of date), there's nowhere you can go to find out quickly what's the "best" printer or monitor.

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Is it the biggest one?

Tom's Hardware might have tests on three of the things you're looking at, while CNET has a brief comparison of five things from last year, only two of which are still on the market, while you have to piece together how good the other ones are based on a hodgepodge of single reviews from random other sites and some shitty, unreliable user reviews.
This is why I had Pat. Pat was a friend of mine who would read this stuff all the time and loved it. I could have made fun of him for enjoying something I thought was boring, or I could tell him I needed a new graphics card that could play World of Warcraft but didn't need to play Crysis (this was a while ago) and 10 minutes later he would send me a link of exactly the right thing to get, and I would learn to celebrate the differences that make us human. Making fun of people for liking different things can be a great time, but it does close a lot of doors.

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Weirdo? Or someone who can teach you a valuable lesson in how to tell the difference between a woman and a "woman"?

Aside from purchases, obviously your computer-knowing friend can help you fix your computer if it's broken. Sure, you could take it to the Geek Squad, but you have to pay them money, and who knows what they're doing to your computer in the back room when you're gone.

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I'm just saying, you don't know.

Just because you don't have to pay your friend, though, doesn't mean you don't have to show some gratitude. Computer-fixing friends can feel just as put-upon as pickup truck friends. If they don't need a murder covered up, maybe you could find something else they'd like. For Pat, I spent years helping him achieve a goal that was strangely important to him -- trying to understand "Yours til Niagara Falls" jokes -- because sometimes when you are really good at computers, you can be a bit behind on other things.
Don't shut this out if you're a computer expert yourself. There's bound to be some area of expertise you don't have a handle on -- maybe home improvement or cars or understanding a very narrow genre of corny jokes. I'm sure someone would be willing to arrange a trade.

#5.

The Friend Who Can Watch Your Kids or Pets

If you have kids, or pets, you might someday want to go to one of the thousands of places pets aren't allowed, or one of the millions of places it's inconvenient to bring kids. Since leaving them alone means you'll probably return to a destroyed house where everyone's been electrocuted by chewed wiring, somebody needs to watch the little monsters.

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Or maybe they'll invite all their friends over for a cocaine party or whatever the kids are doing these days.

Just like fictional detectives, you often have trouble finding someone with both motive and opportunity. It's not that hard to find someone to come by and feed your cats -- but caring for a dog starts to become a serious chore, and taking care of kids is a full-time thing. Even if someone is willing, they've got to have enough experience to handle emergencies, and the kid or animal has to like them enough not to shit on their carpet or bite them. There is only one other person that's able to enter my house without my black cat spazzing out and running for cover as if the house is being raided by Nazis.
If you're lucky, parents or relatives can step in, if they live near you, and if they're not terrible people you're afraid to leave your kids with. This is the opportunity problem, where the people most willing to do it live far away from you or work full-time (or possibly are in jail).

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"So, uh, do you think you'd be able to watch my dog for a week?"

If you somehow find a friend who isn't working, knows how to take care of kids/pets and is willing to give several days of their life to watching over your kids/pets, do not lose this friend. If they have an annoying laugh or say "irregardless" all the time, just let it go. You should even go watch The Notebook or Epic Movie with them if they ask you.
Otherwise you will never go on vacation again.

#4.

The Friend "In The Industry"

If you want a job in the movie business, you probably know that you've got to know somebody. This somebody will direct you to people you can show your script to, or boobs to, to get a job. What a lot of people don't realize is that it's the same way even if you're in an ordinary, nonglamorous industry, like insurance or accounting.

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These days, you need connections to get a job mopping floors.

There's a commonly accepted myth that you get "regular jobs" by finding ads on Monster.com or on the company's website and sending in your resume, and then going through the whole interview and urine test circus. The truth is that something like 80 percent of jobs aren't advertised. Some are internal hires, but a lot are filled through referrals and networking, where someone turns in a resume for a friend, or a friend's nephew's tennis partner or something.
I've been in on a number of hiring decisions, and the part about how qualified you are goes pretty quick -- they just look at your experience and education and portfolio, if applicable, and take a reasonable gamble. What they're digging for in interviews and references is usually some kind of assurance that you're not crazy and you won't be a drama queen. If someone within the company can vouch for you, this really puts you ahead because a testimonial from a trusted co-worker that you aren't crazy is a lot stronger guarantee for the hiring manager than trying to read between the lines of your resume or throwing bizarre lateral thinking questions at you in an interview.

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Maybe one of those things where there's two doors guarded by a brother who always tells the truth and a brother who always lies.

You don't just need an insider for the connections, either. From the outside, it's easy to be really misled about what kind of jobs in an industry are easy to get, which jobs you'd actually want and what jobs even exist. A lot of people going into CG claim to want to be an "animator" -- which is entirely the wrong title for a lot of the work they want to do -- and are picturing a creative, goofy environment with people riding scooters and shooting Nerf guns at each other all the time, when most of the entry-level jobs are going to be in what are basically first-world sweatshops.

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Where you only get two massages a week. No, I'm kidding, they're actually sort of horrible.

Here is a story for you if you doubt the power of connections: I went to animation school with an asshole who gradually went insane over the course of the program. His animation was appalling, and when any teachers or students called him on it, he had a hissy fit and complained they were trying to sabotage him. However, he had a brother-in-law who was a lead animator at EA, and used him to get a plum animator job straight out of school. His brother-in-law probably regretted it, and apparently the EA folks had to spend some time beating some sense into the new guy, but he's still there. Next time you see some shitty animation in an EA game, remind yourself to try to make some friends in your dream industry.

#3.

The Pushy Friend

Everybody knows a shameless schmoozer who never waits patiently in line or buys anything at list price, but always tries to charm the salesperson or maitre d' into giving them a special deal -- and usually gets it. A lot of us look down on those people because secretly we wish we could get away with it. I know if I tried to sneak a hotel clerk a tip for a room upgrade, somehow I would do it wrong and he would shout, "ARE YOU TRYING TO BRIBE ME?" and I would run away in shame. While these people manage to get away with it every time.
I used to be bitter about that and tell myself that I looked down on them because they were trying to "cheat the system" and that I never did things like that because I was too honest, not because I was terrible at it. That's until I met some friends like that. "Oh, you're in a standard room?" they would ask. "That's ridiculous. I'll take care of this."

Via Starwood Hotels
And how!

There's a fine line between always asking for more because "it couldn't hurt to ask," and badgering people to the point of obnoxiousness, and a person who is willing to walk that line is a great friend to have. Especially at work.
If you get on the good side of your boss or someone else high up the ladder, they'll go to bat for you. In many places, your job advancement depends on a combination of doing a good job and office politics, and since most of us hate office politics or suck at it, or both, having a smooth-talking champion to advance your cause is a real gift. Now, I usually suggest getting on the good side of your boss by doing a good job and making his job easier, but blow jobs and brown-nosing would also work if you want to play it that way.

#2.

The Friend Who Can Find Deals

This is the kind of friend you can miss out on discovering if you make the wrong choice in a minor moral dilemma. They often reveal themselves during an innocent group conversation when you mention a vacation you went on and they ask you how much you spent, then react by saying, "Oh no, that was way too much. You should have checked Kayak first. I saw fares for $400 less last week."
You have a choice here. You can get pissed off at someone butting in and Monday-morning quarterbacking you and making you look like a chump, or you can check this person out and see if you have a genuine Deal Finder on your hands.

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To find out for sure, you just put them under a bright light and ask them to price products. Or maybe just hang out and get to know them.

This is the kind of person who thinks of comparison shopping as a recreational sport. You might think it is a tedious chore, going from store to store, and website to website, reading fine print, trying to figure out which coupons stack, and following every Twitter update on Black Friday deals. But for this person, it is literally like a game. When they get a new gadget, they are less excited about the gadget itself than about the fact that they "scored" in getting it for 60 percent off.

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"I'm not even sure how this works but I won it for $10 in an auction."

The illegal variation of this is the person who's always able to find you pirated software, or electronics goods that "fell off the back of a truck." It might not be as good of an idea to take their deals, but it's the same personality type with slightly less scruples. My parents' neighbors are like this, and are always giving my parents a bunch of pirated DVDs unsolicited, because I guess it gives them a chance to talk about how they totally beat the system.
You can ask your friend to find a deal for you, or you can just absorb some of the tips they'll be happy to drop in conversation, and learn valuable lessons about how store-bought HDMI cables are a scam or that you actually don't save money buying a 20-pack of certain items at Costco.

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I guess it might be more convenient if you actually need 200 cans of tomato sauce.

You can miss out on so many wonderful tidbits in life if you're too busy worrying about people making you look like a knucklehead.

#1.

The Friend With (Job) Benefits

I think the sex version of "friends with benefits" is overrated. I'd rather have a friend who works at Adobe. Because Adobe employees can get any Adobe software package for $25, and if I get Photoshop CS5 Extended (list price $1000) from them, I've saved $975, which I can use on a pretty decent prostitute, or many, many hours of a more dubious prostitute.

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I think this picture is appropriate again.

Aside from the tons of places you'd like to have a friend "on the inside" for discounts, friends with service jobs, like doctors or lawyers, can also come in handy. Consider that you have to pay $200 to a lawyer just to ask him what he thinks about something, and you can see how handy it would be to have a friend who can save you the money and tell you that you have no case, or maybe just read through your house-buying documents or job contract for you. If you're in the creative industry, maybe they can help you set things up properly so you won't get your work stolen, and can solidly sue the pants off of someone if it happens.
When I bought my house, it happened to be from a friend of a friend of my parents, and she also happened to be a professional realtor, which meant she was able to hook me up with home inspectors, a title company, a loan agent, an insurance agent and make up a schedule for the whole thing, so I just had to show up when I was supposed to and sign papers. A year later, it looks like the right amount of money has gone out of my bank account so I think it's safe to say I haven't been cheated. If you've ever bought a house, you know what a hassle it is to track down all that shit, so you see why my mom has been badgering me to write this lady a thank-you card for the past two months. (I just put it in the mailbox, OK?)
Other great professions for friends to have include chef, tax accountant, Apple employee and assassin.

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Well, that guy won't cut you off twice.