Everyone has either been a part of, party to, possible enabler of, and/or wished they had food poisoning in the presence of, that couple. We’ve all encountered that couple. It’s hard to find the right adjective to adequately ascribe to them. I mean, seriously, whenever you think of them you just think of them as that couple. They just piss/depress/annoy you so much that language actually fails to form in your brain. A lot of couples are guilty of being that couple at one point in their relationship or another. Often it’s during the honeymoon or newlywed periods. Basically, when it all feels like the beginning.
But how do you know if you’re being that couple, or at least that you’re witnessing the aneurysm-provoking spectacle that is that couple?
If you finish each other’s sentences, then you’re that couple.
If everything leads you back to a story about your significant other, sweet Jesus, you are that couple.
If you refer to yourselves only as “we” then you’re DEFINITELY that couple.
If every time you speak to each other you use a different pet name, you’re that couple, and you create an awkwardly inadequate feeling amongst all those in your presence.
If you only make eye contact with each other, you’re that couple and rude. To everyone else. And that’s uber-annoying!
If you color coordinate your outfits, you’re that couple, and you need help. Possibly involving electroshock treatments.
If all of your single friends no longer return your phone calls, you’re that couple and past the point of an intervention.
If everything you say is backhanded proof about how your relationship is better than every other relationship, then you’re that couple…and I would use my slap bet on you!
If you constantly hold hands, publicly make out, or get each other off under the table without justification, provocation, or invitation (i.e. an orgy), you’re that couple…and showing off. WE GET IT! YOU HAVE LOTS OF SEX! That, too shall pass…mwahahaha (bitters are just what you put in martinis).
People have every right to be happy. I wish for every couple to be madly in love and achieve a lifetime of happiness. But when you become that couple, you’re not showing happiness, you’re showing a lack of tact, awareness, consideration for the feelings of others around you, and heightening the insecurities of people who want to be in a meaningful (or at least overly affectionate) relationship but aren’t in one. Just because you’re celebrating you’re newfound bliss/monkey sex doesn’t give you the right to be oblivious to the laws of common courtesy. Short of that line, snog all you want!
What’s terrifying to think is that some people consider that couple to be the gold standard for being the perfect couple. Rest easy, everyone outside of the bubble of bliss. You don’t have to try to be the perfect couple. Being that couple doesn’t prove anything except that those two people are either trying too hard or haven’t outgrown the “that” phase yet. Love evolves or devolves. You can’t be that couple forever. Nor should you be.
Telling it like it is,
One major reason why she falls out of love is boredom.
Do what you think is enough to keep her happy -- and then do some more.
You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
"When you're in a long-term, committed relationship, it's easy to start taking things for granted and slipping into a routine that is comfortable and boring."
“I don’t love you anymore.” It’s one of the worst sentences a guy can hear, especially when it comes out of the blue in the midst of what you thought was a good relationship. You don’t have screaming or horrible fights. There’s no abuse of any kind. You thought things were moving along nicely and suddenly she hits you with the revelation that she’s not that into you anymore. Why would this happen? How is it possible that she falls out of love with you? Is there something you could have done to prevent it?
She falls out of love because she’s bored
One major reason why she falls out of love is boredom. When you’re in a long-term, committed relationship, it’s easy to start taking things for granted and slipping into a routine that is comfortable and boring. Especially if you live together, your daily interactions have probably taken on quite a bit of predictability. You wake up together, go off to work, maybe talk or text a couple times throughout the day, and then meet back at home for supper and spend the rest of the night watching TV together. This repetition can be reassuring; it’s nice to know that you’ll always be able to come home to each other. However, it can get tedious after a while and make your girl wish for the exhilarating early days of your relationship.
To combat boredom in your relationship, throw in a little spontaneity every once in a while. For example, when she comes home expecting to make supper and sit in front of the TV, tell her you’ve made reservations and you’re going out. Surprise her with a trip out of town on the weekend. Most importantly, initiate sex at unexpected times to keep her on her toes.
She falls out of love because you neglected her
You may think that you’re doing enough to make your girlfriend feel appreciated and loved, but unfortunately she may be feeling differently. Somehow, as girls are growing up, they pick up the incredibly annoying habit of pouting instead of talking when something is bothering them. You should just know that she’s not getting what she wants without her having to tell you. Yes, it’s infantile and unproductive, but she puts up with plenty of your unappealing idiosyncrasies too. Do what you think is enough to keep her happy -- and then do some more.
She falls out of love because she met someone else
Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what makes a girl fall out of love with her boyfriend, but in the case of The Other Man the reason is clear. Most of the time, a woman who is happy in her relationship won’t go out looking for another guy, but love happens in the most unexpected of places. Maybe it’s an affair with a coworker or a reunion with an old flame. It is never an easy thing to deal with when your partner falls for someone else and the chance of a solution that doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings is virtually nonexistent.
If she's the one that's changed and doesn't feel like you fit with her anymore, you may have to watch her walk away."<< Previous Page
If she’s truly over you and on to the new guy, you may have to suck it up and let her go. If, however, you feel like there’s still enough between you and your girlfriend to try to work on things, you have to either ban the other guy from your lives or work on some kind of open relationship arrangement.
She falls out of love because you grew apart
We all change as time goes by. Sometimes the person you got together with becomes someone you don’t recognize after a few years. It’s possible that the reason she’s falling out of love is simply that her needs, priorities and goals are different than they were when you started dating. Or, perhaps you’re the one who’s changed. Have you lost motivation and become complacent? Have you developed some anger issues? Negative personality traits like these, which grow over time, can serve to alter your girlfriend’s feelings for you.
If you’re the one who needs to shape up, ask her what she sees as the problem and talk it out with her. You might be able to work on things yourself to get your drive back or deal with your temper. In extreme cases, you should consider talking to a therapist who can help you process these feelings.
If she’s the one that’s changed and doesn’t feel like you fit with her anymore, you may have to watch her walk away. Just remember that you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you anyway.
what goes up...
Occasionally, relationships just end for no particular reason. The love just isn’t there anymore. This can be frustrating and confusing, since there’s no obvious cause for the two of you drifting apart. You may not be fighting constantly, but if one or both of you are not happy, you have to put in the effort to fix things -- or walk away.
New Year's resolutions tend to get a bad rap for being, well, fruitless. But making resolutions with a partner can help you stick to your promises and can also strengthen your relationship. This list of resolutions-for-two will help you ring the New Year in right, and keep your relationship rockin' all year long.
1) Do "Good Things" together (and not just around the holidays). Everyone feels generous around the holidays, and in December, soup kitchens get so many volunteers that they have to turn helpers away. These organizations need volunteers desperately at other times of the year, so you and your sweetie will make a huge impact if you skip the Christmas day goodness and volunteer year-round instead. If you're a Christmas lover, do your good deeds on the 25th of each month. It's the gift that keeps on giving!
2) Eat mindfully. When you're coupled, it's easy to cozy up on the couch and shovel down Chinese food while watching movies. Not only does this habit pack on the pounds, but it skips the fun and intimacy that can come with preparing and sharing food, too. Choose healthy recipes, and make your date nights special by cooking and eating together. Better than an overpriced restaurant any day!
3) Sweat together. If you're part of a tubby tandem and serious about ditching extra pounds, enlist your partner as a workout buddy. If you're not overweight, exercising with your partner is still a great way to improve your overall health. And everyone knows that the rosy cheeks and heavy breathing exercise brings reminds us of other things that involve rosy cheeks and heavy breathing. Speaking of which...
4) Make sexytime a priority. When we're busy, sex can get lost in the shuffle, but it's too good for your relationship, your health, and your mood to skip. Make time to reconnect with your partner in the sack by scheduling a weekend "staycation." If the sex has become lackluster, put some energy into figuring out how to make it exciting again. It might be a new position, a new toy, or just a straight-up change of venue (kitchen, anyone?).
5) Stop squabbling. If you have a serious beef with your partner, it's important to bring it up, but try to avoid petty arguments and insults. One nitpicky fight isn't a big deal, but over time, small backbiting comments can erode the foundation of your relationship. Pick your battles. When you sense a fight on the horizon, try to calm yourself momentarily and ask "Is this worth disturbing the peace for?"
6) Strive for emotional honesty. Even the bluntest among us has avoided explaining feelings to a lover at one time or another. It can be hard to share with your partner (especially if you're experiencing a thorny, irrational emotion like jealousy) but it's important that you keep your mate in the loop so that he can act appropriately. Saying "I feel" instead of "you made me feel" will help you and your partner stay focused on resolving the negative emotions without it turning into a blamefest.
7) Nuke multitasking. When you're spending time with your sweet, banish buzzes, bleeps and chirps from your computer and phone. Don't scroll through your texts while your partner is talking to you, or IM a friend while you're supposed to be planning dinner. You may think you can do two things at once, but when you do, you're sending your partner the message that they're not worth your full attention. If you both have things you must do on your phone or computer, set a block of time aside to accomplish the tasks, and then move on with your evening (and don't even think of counting your tech time together as a 'date'!).
8) Treat your partner as well as you treat your friends. It's easy to take your romantic partner for granted, and sometimes we don't treat our lovers as well as we should. Like family, we assume that they're in it for the long haul and when we're stressed, our romantic relationships that take extra abuse. Ask yourself if you say or do things to your partner that you wouldn't do to your best friend, and if you discover that you do, adjust your behavior accordingly. And, remember, it takes practice to change a habit; don't give up if you don't change
9) Listen. Don't nod automatically as he talks. Don't wait for your turn to speak. Don't do the dishes while he tells you about his day. Sit down, look him in the eye, pay attention to what he says, and ask follow-up questions. This is one of the best things you can do for your relationship. Active listening is a skill that has to be honed with time and effort, but it's incredibly important. Work at it.
10) Criticize less than you praise. When you spend a lot of time with someone, it becomes easy to overlook the things that are great about them. Instead of dwelling on his bad habits, remind yourself of the reasons you fell for him in the first place. Then remind him! Couples who have been together for a long time tend to forget to compliment one another. Try to dish out three compliments for every criticism, and don't be shocked if he mirrors your actions. Shared appreciation breeds kindness and consideration, and what couple couldn't use more of that?
11) Break a bad habit together. If you and your man share a habit that's less-than-great for you, help one another break it instead of encouraging the behavior within your relationship. Instead of nudging one another outside for smoke breaks, make a pact to limit yourselves to a certain number of cigarettes a day. If you drink too much together, make a two-drink rule and try to stick to it.
12) Play! One of the worst things about being an adult is the total lack of juice boxes, naptime and recess. (What's up with that?) Thankfully, the dullness of the workday world doesn't have to extend to your personal life. Infuse your partnership with a sense of play. Have pillow fights, talk in funny voices, and draw mustaches on the models in your ladymags. Do something creative together... take a guitar class, throw pottery, or learn to roll sushi. Whatever. Stepping outside of your routine can bring you and your partner closer, and it'll ensure that things never get boring between you.
Here's to a Happy New Year... and to your relationship growing stronger than ever in 2011!
Whether it's writing a letter, painting a picture or moving cross-country, here's how to let go.
If anyone ever figured out how to bottle the ability to achieve closure after a relationship ends, they would be rich and famous. As someone who has stumbled in finding closure a few times in my life, all I can say for sure is how it feels. It feels peaceful; it feels freeing, like taking a rock out of your shoe. It is the moment a chapter in the book of your life has been written, read, reread, and filed away for posterity. No matter what the situation, closure is a feeling that comes from within. Sometimes you have the other person there to debrief with and that can be helpful, like when I met up with an ex-boyfriend to compare notes on our relationship. It was an incredibly therapeutic experience that helped me close the door on the relationship once and for all. But let's be honest, it hardly ever happens like that...
Most of the time, we are struggling alone. Whether it's because the other person(s) is dead, unavailable, toxic, crazy, or just an ass who we've decided doesn't deserve to be in our life anymore, it's not always possible to involve them in the closure process. So if we can't have their input/thoughts/feelings/apologies, but we still need closure, how to proceed? Here are some tips for getting closure when you have to go at it alone. Share your suggestions in the comments.
1. The un-sent letter. I dated a guy who suddenly stopped talking to me without any rhyme, reason, or warning. I later realized this was because he was an addict, but at the time, it was devastating. I knew I could and never would speak to him again. But I still had so much pain and anger pent up inside. I sat down at my desk and proceeded to write an epic letter telling him exactly what I thought of him. I wrote until there were no more words. Then I folded that sucker up, put it in an envelope, and locked it away in a drawer. It helped me let go just a little bit.
2. Write it. Write a book about the demise of your relationship, sell it for a six-figure advance, and then have it turned into a show on HBO starring someone exceedingly attractive. But seriously, even if you're not a professional writer, write it anyway. A play, screenplay, short story, or poem can help you gain perspective on a situation, or even give you an opportunity to write a different ending. It's OK if you're the only one who ever reads it. It's worth it.
3. Weird-ass rituals. As a person who considers myself "spiritually eclectic" (I'll explain some other time), I love performing weird-ass rituals that mean something only to me. I highly recommend printing out all the emails that the person ever sent you, lighting them on fire, and burying the ashes under your favorite tree. Or make up your own random ritual that is simpatico with your religious or spiritual beliefs. The point is to try to lay the past to rest.
4. Art. Art! Art! Art! Paint it, collage it, photograph it. Make art about it. I have an entire sketchbook of awful collages and watercolor paintings that got me through college. No one will EVER see them, but I don't care. If you are gifted in this way, I'm jealous! 5. Reflection. Ruminate on both the good and the bad of the relationship, so that you don't: A) totally idealize it or B) reactively hate the person. The more clarity you have on a situation, the easier it will be to sort out your feelings and gain insight about the situation. This may even be helpful to do with a counselor or therapist or a good friend. If you're a list person, a good old-fashioned pro-and-con should do the trick. Every time I break up with a dude or a friend, I write a list of all of the things I didn't like about them and all of the things I learned about myself. Then I can refer to it in the future if need be.
6. Reclaiming. Take the memories back! That Italian restaurant you both loved, your favorite dive bar or music venue, the bench you sat on to watch the sunset—do all the things you loved doing together on your own. Make new memories dammit ... alone!
7. Change of scenery. Sometimes the best way to get a fresh perspective on a life situation is to get away for a while. Go on a retreat/vacation, move to a new neighborhood, or just redecorate. Get out of your bubble. When your environment changes so does your state of mind. New states of mind are conducive to change.
8. Forgiveness. This is so easy to say and so hard to do. Closure requires forgiveness either of yourself or others. Forgiveness takes time. And time is really the only way to heal from a major loss in your life. Unfortunately, time is something we have no control over. Yeah, that kind of sucks, but be patient with and kind to yourself. You never know when forgiveness will happen or exactly how long it will take, but sometimes you just wake up one day and that stupid rock has miraculously fallen out of your shoe. You may not know why or how, but it did. That is the moment that you’re ready to walk on. Only more comfortably.
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Everyone has either been a part of, party to, possible enabler of, and/or wished they had food poisoning in the presence of, that couple. We’ve all encountered that couple. It’s hard to find the right adjective to adequately ascribe to them. I mean, seriously, whenever you think of them you just think of them as that couple. They just piss/depress/annoy you so much that language actually fails to form in your brain. A lot of couples are guilty of being that couple at one point in their relationship or another. Often it’s during the honeymoon or newlywed periods. Basically, when it all feels like the beginning.
