DJ : Women Edging Their Way Into the D.J. Booth

The Nigerian-born London techno artist Nicole Moudaber at work. She is one of the rising stars in electronic dance music.

When the D.J. duo Nervo, the Australian twins Olivia and Miriam Nervo, first began spinning three years ago, they used to shock people just by showing up.

The Viennese D.J. Cassy Britton, who has a quarterly residency at the Brooklyn club Output.

 

When the D.J. duo Nervo, the Australian twins Olivia and Miriam Nervo, first began spinning three years ago, they used to shock people just by showing up.  

 “We would arrive at the airport, and someone would pick us up, and they would be like, ‘You’re Nervo?’ “ said Olivia, who goes by Liv.

The promoters couldn’t believe that the D.J.’s weren’t men but young, attractive women.

Nervo now perform regularly at major festivals and clubs, but the sisters are still the rare female breakout in electronic dance music. In a new reader-generated poll in DJ Magazine of the top 100 D.J.’s, Nervo is No. 16, one of only three female-led acts on the list. Last year, it was the only one.

About five years after the latest wave of electronic dance music, or E.D.M., became big business in the United States, and 26 years after Anita Sarko was called “the Queen of the Discotheque Deejays“ by The New York Times, the D.J. booth is still very much a male realm. Male headliners dominate superclubs like Hakkasan in Las Vegas and Pacha in New York. Only a handful of women appear at megafestivals like New York’s recent Electric Zoo, which has booked about a dozen acts with women over its five-year history. There has yet to be a woman on Forbes magazine’s list of the highest-paid D.J.’s. “Commercial E.D.M. is overwhelmingly bro-dominated,” said the longtime dance music journalist and D.J. Philip Sherburne.

Cassy Britton, better known as Cassy, a D.J. and producer from Vienna who played Oct. 26 at the Brooklyn club Output as part of her quarterly residency there, called the scene “a boy’s club, in a sense.”

“No woman is in that top level,” she said. “So, there is not one woman that makes a lot of money in D.J.-ing. Not one.”

The male and female D.J.’s, promoters and label executives interviewed cited a number of possible reasons for why there are no female Tiestos, including an industry predominantly run by men, a lack of female role models and mentors of either gender, and a grueling lifestyle that is disruptive to having a family. And, many said, even though readily available software has made making music easier to learn, women still aren’t as prone to knob twiddling as their male counterparts.

But in spite of the odds, the Nervo sisters and Ms. Britton are enjoying a rising profile, along with female D.J.’s like the London techno artist Nicole Moudaber, the British dark-house purveyor Maya Jane Coles, the German techno jock Tini and the Russian techno D.J. Nina Kraviz.

In August, Ms. Britton, 39, put out a mix CD for a long-running series from Fabric, the respected London club. She is only the fourth woman with a Fabric mix, out of 72 editions in all. She studied classical guitar for seven years, has been spinning and producing since the late 1990s, and like top male D.J.’s, writes and produces her own records, sometimes collaborating with prominent techno artists like Steve Bug, the duo Swayzak and Ricardo Villalobos. Electric Indigo, another female D.J., was her mentor, even as Ms. Britton said she herself faced resistance from male peers.

“Most of the boys I was hanging out with, they were just getting stoned and being experts in all labels and releases, and they weren’t really putting themselves out there,” she said. “I was putting myself out there. I think that’s what they hated — that I would get somewhere and they would know so much more about everything.”

She moved to Berlin in 2003 and became a resident at the Panorama Bar inside Berghain, the famed Berlin club. Her sound, a gritty, funk-infused hybrid of deep house and techno, plays well in big clubs as well as in more intimate venues. Ms. Britton is also currently a resident at Rex Club in Paris, and Trouw in Amsterdam, and has been playing at Fabric since 2005.

“She is an exceptional D.J., not just an exceptional ‘female D.J.,’ ” Leo Belchetz, the label manager at Fabric Records, wrote in an email. “We have actually been trying to get Cassy onto the series for a couple of years. But each time there has been something that has got in the way — either an alternative release commitment or she was moving home. (She is infamously nomadic!)”

Ms. Britton plays three or four gigs in different cities, sometimes in different countries, every week; in the weeks leading up to her October Output date, she was scheduled to spin in Paris, Boston, Munich and Amsterdam. This summer, she couldn’t answer a basic query: Where is home?

“Very good question,” she said by phone from a hotel room in Florence, Italy. “I don’t live anywhere anymore.”

“This job is an extremely bizarre job,” she added. “I was married, I got a divorce, and I’m sure it all has to do with my job.” 

In dance music, taking a break longer than a few months can stall a career, as subgenres fall out of favor in an instant. The veteran trance and progressive house D.J. Sandra Collins, 43, who took time off to have a child five years ago, said that when she returned to spinning, she found the landscape of dance music had shifted. “They want confetti house,” Ms. Collins said of the poppy, crescendo-filled hits that dominate mainstream dance floors. “And I can’t, I will never be able to do that.” 

The Australian twins Olivia, left, and Miriam Nervo. 

Nina Kraviz, from Russia. 

On the commercial dance music circuit, Nervo is infiltrating the all-male lineups. “They are in the Top 20 list of D.J.’s being booked,” said Paul Oakenfold, 50, the influential D.J. and producer, who has been a supporter of Nervo’s career, taking the pair on tour with him in 2010. There are more female D.J.’s entering the field now compared with the ’90s, he said, “but look at it this way: You’ve got to be really, really good now, it’s so competitive.”

The Nervo sisters had been professional songwriters for nearly a decade, helping to pen hits for the Pussycat Dolls and Kesha. They co-wrote “When Love Takes Over,” the Grammy-winning hit for David Guetta, featuring Kelly Rowland, before stepping in front of the decks.

“We were working with more and more electronic artists, and had some success, and that really gave us the confidence to step out and be artists ourselves,” said Liv Nervo, who gave her age as 29. Nervo’s poppy single “Hold On” hit No. 1 on the Billboard dance/club play chart in June.

Mr. Oakenfold said: “You’ve got to be really playing the music that’s in vogue, especially because the kids just want the commercial music, and there ain’t a lot of women who are doing that.”

It doesn’t hurt that the photogenic sisters also have a modeling background and are sponsored by Cover Girl. On the E.D.M. circuit, which has become increasingly image-based, seemingly full of square-jawed men from Sweden, the Nervo sisters are well poised to be stars.

Still, Liv Nervo said they didn’t want to overemphasize their image. “We make sure we’re not too scantily dressed,” she said. “We do make sure that we don’t tart it up too much.”

Playing up sex appeal can be risky for a female D.J. Nina Kraviz, a Russian-born, Berlin-based D.J., found herself embroiled in controversy earlier this year when she gave part of a video interview for Resident Advisor, the techno website, while taking a bubble bath. She was accused by techno fans of exploiting her looks to gain attention. (She was ranked No. 47 on Resident Advisor’s 2012 top 100 D.J. list.) “It was a person in the bubbles, come on, come on,” said Ms. Kraviz, who was a dentist in Russia before becoming a D.J. “I was thinking that it was so hilarious. And I just did it just for fun, honestly. I was just being myself in the bath, so that it would be more real.”

Like Nervo, Ms. Moudaber, the Nigerian-born D.J., who gave her age as 36, got a boost from an influential male star. She promoted parties in Beirut before moving to London and becoming a D.J. and producer. Then the longtime techno artist Carl Cox listed Ms. Moudaber as the most underrated D.J. of 2009, telling DJ Magazine: “I’ve been following her career for the last three years. She’s amazing.”

Ms. Moudaber said, “Since that moment my whole career opened, basically.”

She is prolific, releasing singles on Intec, Mr. Cox’s label, as well as her own techno label, Mood. This year she also put out her first full-length album, “Believe” (Drumcode). “To be honest, it’s all down to the women,” Ms. Moudaber said. “If you want to do it, you do it. Nobody’s forcing them not to do it. That’s how I see it. It doesn’t matter if you’re a girl or a boy. It’s just a case of wanting to do something.”

Still, Ms. Moudaber said that girls could be more strongly encouraged to embrace technology. “I’d like to see more girls being conditioned from their early youth by their parents and stop putting dolls in their hands. If they want to play with machines, let them play with the machines, because I never played with a doll.”

Shawn Schwartz, the owner of the Brooklyn record store Halcyon, said he started a night showcasing female talent there in 2010 but had to stop when, he said, the store ran out of new women to book. “I don’t see that there’s any kind of institutional blockade from the industry side,” he said. “If you are booking D.J.’s, it’s not like there are equal numbers of men and women available, and just the guys get booked.”

It’s a vicious cycle: In Las Vegas, where a top D.J. can earn a million dollars per night for the club, it’s a risk to book an untested D.J., female or not. And though the major clubs are packed with women, and many dance hits have female vocals, women are often sexualized by the industry; in Las Vegas, topless pool parties abound.

But a female D.J. can provide an “aha” moment. “I’m seeing a lot of girls on my floor,” Ms. Moudaber said. “They come probably because they can identify with me. Whereas in the past, maybe, they never used to bother to go to a techno night.”

Unlike in other male-dominated fields like science or technology, there aren’t many institutions that train female D.J.’s.

Dubspot, an electronic music production and D.J. school in New York, hosts a bimonthly program, Inspiring Women in Music Technology. “Things are definitely on the upswing, and I am seeing more females enrolled than when I first started,” said Kelly Webb, the director of student affairs, who came to the school six years ago. Still, she said, only 10 percent of the school’s 250 D.J. students are women.

While Ms. Britton, Ms. Moudaber and Nervo are making inroads, they aren’t yet on the professional level of megastars like Skrillex. “I find it fairly surprising it hasn’t happened already,” said Ryan Keeling, the editor of Resident Advisor, of the lack of female star D.J.’s. “I feel like the way that things are going, it just is a matter of time.” 

Credit : NY Times

The Types Of Women You’ll Encounter In The Club

With the success of last week’s article “The Types of Men You’ll Encounter in Clubs”, you knew we had to shift the attention to the other side of the spectrum and bring you the opposing types of women you will encounter. Of course, there are many different types of women that go to nightclubs, and we can’t possibly name them all, but we certainly have composed a list of the major categories for our readers.

We also took the initiative to give you the breakdown of how successful you will be in taking her on a ride of her life on the southbound 1NS train. (1 Night Stand).

The Birthday Girl

First and foremost, we must start with the most common and guaranteed girl to be in a nightclub on any given weekend: the birthday girl. This girl is of course celebrating her birthday with her closest friends and is a guaranteed sloppy mess, as she will keep binging until she is utterly incapacitated and unable to stand because it’s her special day. You will most likely see her donning a tiara on her head or wearing expensive shoes that she received as a recent gift. Safe to say, this is the best this girl will look all year.

Success Rate:  35%. If you happen to know her, it will be a lot easier to take her home. If she currently lacking a male companion she is most likely looking for birthday sex.


The Socialite

This is haughty prude that thinks she’s too good for everyone. You know, that one self righteous, pompous broad that everyone is coming up to say hello to. She is most likely in a bitchy mood without reason and is certainly the most fraudulent girl there. She will sicken you with her air of unjustified arrogance and will claim to only drink champagne, almost as if she expects there to be a red carpet rolled out for her upon her arrival.

Success Rate: 10%. This girl most likely loves doing drugs, so try to offer a free bump and roll the dice. If you are able to close on this one, you can close on any of them.


The Seasoned Veteran

This is the cougar who has the appearance of a woman approaching the age of social security eligibility. You can unfortunately clearly tell she has had her fair share of partying through out her life. Indeed, she may be only 29 years old, but going out every single night has taken drastic effect on the viability of her facial features. You can tell she’s a veteran by the way almost professional she conducts herself and the wrinkles in the face that she’s actively trying to combat with botox.

Success rate: 17%. This girl has seen it all and DEFINITELY done it all. Unless shes feeling pretty loose and ready, you would have to wow her.


The Young Newbie

This girl stands out in a crowd like a sore thumb. She usually has a very bewildered look on her face as if she is just being introduced to the night life scene. She is usually dancing like a rhythmless idiot trying to attract the attention of potential suitors. Be careful, she is most likely 17 going on 18, or has just turned 18 years old. Also, her physical features will be highly undeveloped leaving her with flat boobs.

Success Rate: 95%. You would have to be a idiot to not be able to close this one. They are so unbelievably naive and they’ll die for attention from any male.


The Bottle Whore

This girl you can spot by checking your surroundings for the girl that seems to be patrolling the venue, hopping from table to table with a cup in her hand. She is known as the bottle whore and is only attracted to men who have tables and fine liquor for her to gorge herself on.

Success Rate: 53 %. Her standards are usually low, so if she’s desperate enough to be entertaining men just for alcohol you have a pretty good shot after she has finagled a few drinks from your table.


The DJ Groupie

This is the girl you will find trying to eye fuck the DJ all night. She’s driven and determined to bang this guy and will most likely sell her soul to be in the DJ booth with him. Fortunately for her, she will most likely end up there.

Success rate: 10%. Unless you’re a DJ, you have no chance, buddy. Try promising her tickets to Ultra, that might get you a quickie in the bathroom.


The Bridge & Tunnel Girl

As with the others, this girl is fairly easy to spot out as well. You can hear her Fran Drescher-esque yowling from the opposite end of the club. The thought makes us cringe. Teuf. She will be overly eager to be at the club and you’re sure to find this harlot pounding shots. Even worse, she’ll probably be looking tacky wearing Roberto Cavalli from three seasons ago.

Success Rate: 40%. The only reason the rate isn’t 101% for this moron is she most likely came with a group of friends in one car. Getting her away from them can be quite tough considering she must cross a bridge into lands better left untouched (ie: Staten Island). Even if you do succeed, congratulations, imbecile. Now, you have to deal with finding her a ride home in the morning. Did we mention that you slept with a Bridge & Tunnel girl?


The Drug Addict

This girl will be erratically dancing with the appearance of a complete dunce. You’ll know her by the questionably high frequency of her bathroom trips. Obviously, she’s going to the bathroom every 10 minutes to do a bump of cocaine. She is either on molly, cocaine, or both, and her pupils are the size of flying saucers. If she’s taken raver’s candy, you’ll know by that odd amount of gum she seems to be devouring to combat her clenching jaw.

Success rate: 60%. Offer her a free bump and see where it goes. The percent is reliant on whether or not she is even functional even go home. If not, give her some food to sober her up.


The Heiress

This girl most likely has her own table and is dressed in fashion that’s a season in advance. She is usually cold to strangers, but possesses an extremely friendly side that appears when with her friends.

Success Rate: 5%. Unless you’re on the same social and economical status as her, you stand no chance. There is simply nothing you can do to impress her.


The Escort

This one is a bit hard to discern from your average unpaid hooker, as many women provide escort-like services frequently and without charge, but, if you look hard enough, you should be able to spot her. She most likely is only drinking champagne and has a fur jacket with an unacceptable amount of leather covering her skin. Her nails will be done to perfection and she will be looking for someone to pay her bills.

Success Rate: 50%. That percentage is really dependent on your actions. If you’re willing to dish out cash on a nice lay and chances of herpes, its all yours.


The International Girl

This girl stands out at the venue and it’s fairly obvious that she is visiting town from a different country. She most likely has a camera in her hand–a clear tourist move–and is taking an ungodly amount of pictures of everything she sees. She’ll probably be dressed rather poorly and will be excited that she was even allowed to enter the venue.

Success Rate: 30%. If you can break the language barrier and can convince her that you’re not like the sketchy Americans that are portrayed in the cinema, you might get a chance.

Tech : For Women, Text Messages Mean More Sex

Take it from a lady: Nothing gets a gal's heart racing like longing, hand-written missives, promising sweet nothings and slipped into hands or lockers, bags or under doors. Or, you know, a 160-character text message drunkenly sent at 3 a.m.

Apparently, lovelorn romantics of the digital age no longer sit up all night on the phone, draining the battery on the cordless and then sneaking into Mom's room while she's asleep to fetch the old banana phone to keep chatting, hoping that she won't wake up. (Typical teen experience, right?) Instead, they just text. While this isn't surprising news, a poll conducted by American Media's Shape and Men's Fitness magazines has determined that oft-texted, heavily "poked" (yes, we went there) lasses are more likely to hop in the sack.

While we wouldn't tout a poll published in a consumer magazine as being totally scientific, the New York Post quotes a psychologist who brings up an apt point: "The texting and all the social networking that's happening... creates anticipation." Tidbits of stilted, typo-ridden correspondence may actually heat things up through titillating interaction; an innuendo-laden text or a friend request is much easier (and cheaper/more realistic) than the archaic flowers-at-work-the-next-day. Poring over Facebook photos creates a sense of intimacy (albeit maybe a false one), and text-based conversation is exciting, secretive and brief. ("What does he mean, 'C U L8r'? Do you think he misses me?'") While they may have waited until the next date in days past, 40-percent of women say that receiving flirtatious messages makes them more likely to get freaky sooner.

The Post points out that social networking gets ladies more ready for romance; by friending, messaging and digitally encountering a paramour, a girl (or, we'd venture, a guy, as well) feels more familiar with her suitor. Facebook spying, sexting and awkwardly placed SMS typos? Certainly beats a glass of Merlot and Barry White's Greatest Hits.

Rides : What Does An "Intellectual Sex Kitten" Look For In A Car?

Well, that depends on whether you're the aforementioned sexy lady, "the feline blond," "the yuppie hippie" or "the sporty mother."

This piece, on Skiddmark, is kind of confusing. On the one hand, it's about what women do, indeed, look for in a car — and the fact that the marketing has changed to reflect the shift in car-buying and driving populations. Writes Angie Voluti, "In truth, despite women's usually idealistic nature, we are driven (pun intended) by practical issues as well as style. We just don't converse with the front suspension." Status is usually secondary to value; plus women tend to buy sleek and compact vehicles — except when they buy family-friendly SUVs. And, as the author points out, "marketing both feeds and creates desires."

The strange part is the series of "types" strewn throughout the article and illustrated by lissome pen-and-ink women. Of the sleek-looking "Aspiring BMW Doll" we learn that

Her husband drives one of those black executive cars with shiny alloy wheels and although they both work hard, another BMW is just out of the question, for now. She made a decision a long time ago that he was never going to tell her what to wear (hence the mini-skirt and fashionable boots – so Mary Quant) and secretly longs for a 1 Series Coupe, in red. FAVOURITE CAR: MINI

Or, take "The Intellectual Sex Kitten":

There is something nice yet very naughty about the driver of a people-carrier, a mobile classroom in which she sings nursery rhymes and practises times tables with her four children. But once she has dropped them off at their private school, she races home to slip into something more comfy. A Mazda MX-5 perhaps. Or a black lace nightie. FAVOURITE CAR: FORD S-MAX

I guess this is intended to classify the different sorts of women who are the market for different cars in a cheeky, cute way, but the effect is vaguely alienating — not least because all the women look disconcertingly like Victoria Beckham. There's a bit of the SATC's about it all — and it's a tad ironic, considering that we're talking about marketing to women!

Top 10 Things To Have In Your House That Women Love

When a woman visits your house, it's your opportunity to shine… but it can also get awkward FAST if you run out of things to talk about, or if she thinks you're just trying to "make a move." Here are 10 things to have in your house that not only pave the way for great conversation, but help you take things to the next level smoothly and without rejection.

1. A Zen Garden
For some reason, women love these little decorations of rocks and sand. You can get them at those international market-type stores, or online. A Zen Garden is a box that sits on you coffee table, filled with sand, some polished stones, and a comb-like rake. You use the rake to comb lines into the sand, around the stones or other objects. I realize this sounds ridiculous… but wait till you try it… and wait till you have a woman over to your house and she sees it!

2. A Musical Instrument
If you have musical talents you are in GREAT SHAPE when it comes to having a woman over at your place. Keep your instrument of choice in plain view to spark her attention. If you aren't musically talented, try something like bongos, or get your hands on a cowbell. If she's seen the popular SNL skit she'll DIE laughing… and if she hasn't you will win points for being the first person to show it to her!

3. A Pet
This one is almost common sense… everyone knows that women love animals. If you're not a dog or cat person consider getting a fish tank. Having ANY kind of a pet – even fish –subtly signals to her that you are responsible and a good provider - 2 things women are INSTINCTIVELY programmed to look for in a man. Plus feeding the fish together can be lots of fun!

4. A Collage Of Pictures
On a prominent wall, put up a collage of pictures. The collage as a whole should tell a story. For example, put up pictures of places you've been around the world – in front of the Coliseum in Rome or hiking the Grand Canyon. She'll be sure to ask lots of questions about the places you've been… maybe she will have even been to one of the places herself. Also somewhere in your house, be sure to put up pictures of your family, and pictures of you when you were younger. Women always love to see this stuff, and it always paves the way for interesting conversation.

5. Bottles Of Wine
Buy a wine rack and stock it with several bottles of wine. They don't have to be expensive; you can get decent wines for under $20. Consider joining a "Wine Of The Month" club – they'll send you 2 bottles of great wine every month, usually for around $20 total! I don't need to tell you that it's much classier to offer her a glass of wine than a beer. As a bonus, get a cool bottle opener. Look into the CO2 opener, which you can buy at wine stores. You push the needle through the cork, push the button on top, and the cork pops out like magic. That's a gadget she'll actually be impressed with…

6. Interesting Or Funny Coffee Table Books
Take a trip to a funky neighborhood and grab some interesting books to put on your coffee table. Books on dating are always good as they are sure to make for some interesting conversation. Stay away from picture books, unless they are pictures of you and your friends, which you can have made at one of the popular photo publishing websites.

7. Balance Board
A balance board is a skateboard-like object that sits on top of a roller – the object is to get onto it and keep your balance. It's incredibly fun. Skaters and surfers use this for practice because it mimics the motion. People who get really good can do all sorts of impressive tricks. She'll see it and want to try it because it sounds challenging, yet fun. When she gets on it, she'll grab onto your hands for balance. Nice!

8. A Cool Cooking Appliance
Here's a great idea. Have at least one unique cooking appliance in your kitchen. I'm talking about things like a Panini Press, an Espresso Machine, or Ice Cream Maker. Having one of these hint to her that there is more to you than meets the eye… and that you can do more in the kitchen than make toast. Learn a few recipes (it's a lot simpler than it sounds), then invite her over in the future to cook dinner together.

9. An Interactive Video Game
It used to be that a video game system was a major turn off to women – she'd imagine losing her man to hours of nerd-fests with other zombie-like males. However, recently videogames have become much more interactive and fun for everyone. They can't resist Dance Dance Revolution or playing an instrument on "Guitar Hero" or "Rock Band"… and don't forget all of the fun games on the Nintendo Wii. Play against each other and come up with some funny "win-win" wagers for the loser… such as a 5 minute massage.

10. Something Homemade
Somewhere in your house, have something that YOU made. Either a sculpture, a piece of art, or furniture. This will indicate that you have some sort of talent, and if it's not very flattering, you can always make a joke about it, explaining that this is why you are NOT a carpenter. Either way, have fun with it, and she will too.

5 Things 2010 Taught Us About Women

Each year we men find ourselves another step closer to enlightenment; the complete understanding of the female species. Unfortunately, just as we feel as though we’ve made huge advancements towards the aforementioned enlightenment, they go and pull the rug from under our feet, leaving us just as clueless as ever. Here are 5 things we learned about them this year. 2011 is looking pretty bleak…

Chivalry is a forgotten art

Professional Jersey Shore ‘guido’ Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has become inexplicably famous for two things; his gloriously redundant nickname ‘The Situation’, and his tremendously swollen ego.

Despite looking like Popeye let loose on a spinach farm, ‘Sitch’, as he is known to his perma-tanned friends, appears to be immensely popular with the opposite sex despite treating them with all the respect of a worn out old boot.

Season 2 highlights include him forcing an apprehensive young girl to sleep on the couch after she refused to have sex with him, and slapping everybody’s favourite mahogany faced dwarf Snooki in the mouth when bitch wouldn’t do as she was told.

Fortunately, a six-pack and a multi-million dollar contract will let you get away with just about anything these days, and The Situation was last seen lending his ‘unique’ talents to Dancing with the Stars and still cavorting with beautiful women.

Individuality is only achieved by way of a meat hat

When GaGa took to the stage at the MTV VMA awards, it was admittedly difficult to not laugh a little. For almost 2 years now the Western World has heralded GaGa as something of a visionary, her unique clothing choices in no small way contributing to this viewpoint.

Those of us with a bit more perspective, however, understand that GaGa’s eccentric wardrobe is nothing more than a smart publicity stunt, masked as ‘art’ to lend an element of sophistication to songs with lyrics such as “bluffin’ with my muffin”.

So as GaGa stood before a crowd of assorted celebrities and fans, wearing a dress, hat and purse made entirely out of real meat, you could have been forgiven for thinking that she had finally jumped the shark.

To make matters even more ludicrous, she published a statement explaining the ‘philosophical’ element of the cow flavored gown, claiming that she was the “most judgemental free human being on the Earth” and that the dress should show us that if we “don’t stand up for our rights pretty soon we’re going to have as much rights as the meat on our bones”. Uh… what?

Needless to say, GaGa’s popularity didn’t wane and has continued to grow stronger and stronger, leaving a generation of women (and gay guys; don’t forget the gay guys) to be astounded by these ‘brave’ fashion decisions, whilst the majority of us straight fellas continue to look on with a mixture of confusion and fear.

Don’t be afraid to be one-dimensional

Jacob Black, the werewolf of the Twilight Saga’s love triangle, loves Bella. He loves her despite the fact that she is as vacant as a fart-filled elevator.

On top of this, he is a dark skinned, good looking young man with muscles presumably carved out of stone, and he also possesses a little thing called a personality.

Unfortunately for him, Bright Falls is also home to another family of mythical creatures – vampires. As we all know, vampires are sexy by default, and Bella is immediately taken by the pasty teen with the alarmingly stoic face, Edward.

It’s bad news for Jacob, then, as his kind-hearted, sympathetic and loving gestures pale in comparison to Edward’s… hair. He’s got good hair. And he can stare whilst pouting.

Suddenly, teenage boys across the globe witnessed their girlfriends/crushes fall victim to Edward’s ‘charm’, instilling the belief in our younger generation that you needn’t be a warm, caring person to get the girl. Simply cover yourself in glitter and look miserable.

Boobs and puppets don’t mix

Kevin Clash is one lucky son-of-a-bitch. Having spent the best part of 30 years with his hand up the ass of a puppet, you might be inclined to argue otherwise, but when that puppet is Elmo, well… Kevin Clash is one lucky son-of-a-bitch.

Having occupied the same room as Beyonce and Natalie Portman, along with a myriad of other famous faces, Kevin Clash has made a living out of being the world’s most famous furry red monsters puppeteer, with Elmo being one of the most famous and beloved children’s TV icons in history.

However, controversy struck in September, when pop starlet Katy Perry shot a segment for the show that was promptly unveiled to the Internet ahead of its scheduled New Years Eve airing.

Parents (Jealous Mothers) were up in arms over the skit, which involved Perry singing a kids-friendly rendition of ‘Hot n Cold’ whilst wearing a ‘low-cut’ green dress.

The dress did, in fact, cover Perry up to her neck – the light-coloured mesh of the dress simply giving it the appearance of being low-cut.

Even so, the fun was cut short, and the clips release was cancelled.

Amidst the controversy, Perry appeared on Saturday Night Live, sporting a REAL low-cut top with Elmo’s face stretched across her cleavage, spurring the creation of The Best .gif In The World Ever.

Remember kids, C is for C-Cup!

Curvy women are back

The size zero trend of recent years has caused women with fuller figures to feel insecure, swapping carbs for side salads in an effort to not appear ‘fat’, in the sense that the typical rake-thin catwalk model is ‘normal’.

We men, on the other hand, appreciate womanly curves, and would prefer a girl who didn’t have their rib cage protruding from their torso.

Thankfully, 2010 was the year where curves were praised rather than made fun of, with women such as Mad Men star Christina Hendricks (pictured) receiving high praise for her voluptuous body from both sexes.

It is good to see ‘real’ women being recognized by other women again; us guys caught on a long time ago.

After all, when was the last time you saw two frat boys bump fists before exclaiming “Dude, this chick I banged last night was so hot. She had tits like a pre-pubescent 12 year old and I could see all the bones in her ass”?

There are new Lingerie Football League uniforms

#10... how appropriate...

Angelica Bridges and some of her Lingerie Football League friends were in Las Vegas this week unveiling one set of official game uniforms for the 2011 Lingerie Bowl, which I think will appear on MTV or something, I don’t know. The Lingerie Football League sounds like a great theory and yet I still haven’t watched a single moment of it. Why is that? I guess while I enjoy babes in bikinis I prefer to not see them smashing into each other. Mashing yes, smashing, no. It’s subtle, but there is a difference.

6 Things Everyone Knows About Women (That Aren't True

We previously pointed out how some crude, absurd gender stereotypes are in fact proven true by science. But, in the interest of not letting 60s sitcoms have the last word on the differences between men and women, we should point out how many things "everyone knows" about women just plain aren't true, according to science. Like...

#6.

Women Aren't As Aggressive

Remember that nursery rhyme about what little girls and little boys are made of? Boys are made of errant amphibians, mollusks and puppy parts while girls are made of sugar and spice and all that's nice. It'd be an adorable if it didn't also sum up gender expectations for the rest of your life.

Snails and dog tails make you more aggressive.

When we grow up, women are more likely to be penalized for displaying too much aggression, while men are rewarded for the exact same behavior.

Sometimes with millions of dollars.

When actually ...

Women might be the more aggressive of the genders.

Researchers found that when you deindividuate a person--or place the person in a situation where he or she doesn't have an individual identity--aggressive attitudes are amplified. This makes sense. It's probably why Marines are required to wear the same uniform, and hipsters are such pussies. Well, they tested this in the lab by having men and women play an interactive video game that required killing other players by dropping bombs on them.

They found that under normal circumstances, men dropped far more bombs than women. But in the deindividuated groups, women out-attacked the men every time, with an average of about five more bombs dropped per session.

Might as well face it, you're addicted to MASS MURDER.

Putting people, particularly women, in a situation where they are anonymous and don't have to conform to societal expectations is very powerful psychologically. And by very powerful, we mean it turns them into an unfeeling murder machines.

#5.

Women Aren't as Horny as Men

When it comes to the topic of sex drive, everyone knows the stereotypes: Men are shameless swine who will nail anything with a pulse, and women are only interested in lovemaking that satisfies them on an emotional level.

Think back on your adolescence, and it seems self-evident, doesn't it? Boys are so sex-driven that they literally have to hide their protruding penises (penii?) with baggy jeans and Trapper Keepers. Girls rarely have that problem. And as adults, we all know that it's mostly men, not women, populating the porn-viewing public. The Kinsey Institute even says so. Obviously, men are much more interested in sex. Case closed.

When actually ...

Women are probably just as horny as men--they just don't want you to know it.

The "fan and demure smile" look is just a more elegant "hard-on poking through the jeans."

A recent study asked a large group of test subjects about their sexual behavior but put some clever controls in place. One group of respondents gave their answers while connected to a polygraph machine, and a second group was put in a with a researcher and told that their answers would be monitored. A control group was told their answers would remain completely anonymous.

It turns out that when women were faced with the chance of someone seeing their answers (the group with the researcher in the room) they all suddenly became contestants in a Miss Chastity pageant, reporting only half the number of sexual partners that the group connected to the lie detector claimed. But the women connected to the polygraph actually reported more sexual partners than the men in the same control group.

"Well, there's the weekly foursome, the monthly "Lezz-In" and the occasional anonymous stall sex."

Experts interpreted this as women feeling "pressure to adhere to sex role expectations that indicate (they) should be more relationship-oriented and should avoid being seen as promiscuous." Just like with the bombing experiment, take away what society expects of us, and our true colors show.

Most of those colors are shades of pink.

On a related note...

#4.

Only Men Like Porn

The pimps who make up the advertising world have known for decades that the best way to catch a man's eye (and money) is with copious amounts of T&A. Men will line up to buy a large-caliber gunshot to the face as long as there's a scantily clad woman in a submissive pose somewhere telling them how awesome it's going to be.

But what about women? It's been widely believed that the fairer sex isn't affected by erotic imagery to the same degree that men are. And not just in advertising, but in movies, magazines or any other forms in which it might appear. Which is why you don't see half-naked beefcake flanking bottles of hair conditioner.

When actually ...

According to this study, women's brains react just as quickly to erotic images as men's do--and in fact the reaction may even be stronger.

They even use different "circuits" to process them as opposed to the pathways that are reserved for everyday images. Using EEG electrodes to monitor brain activity, researchers showed a group of female subjects pictures that ranged from pleasant to disturbing. Everything was cool until they got to photos that showed couples engaged in sensual poses.

Erotic images elicited neurons to fire at 160 milliseconds, which was 20 percent faster than even the quickest reactions to the non-erotic pictures--even if those pictures depicted immediate danger, like a snarling animal.

Above: less interesting than a penis.

If you've heard that stuff about how erotica turns women on only if there's some kind of deep backstory or emotional connection to what's going on, keep this in mind: 160 milliseconds means the women's brains were lighting up in response to the naked people well before they even consciously registered what they were seeing. Way before the thinking part of their brains could warm up, they already had an immediate, knee-jerk animal response that screamed, "LOOK! A BONER!"

Only Women Suffer from Media-Perpetuated Body Issues

Women have been complaining forever about the impossibility of living up to the female body image that is presented in media. There are like eight billion periodicals marketed to women, and every one of them has some thin teenager with perfect teeth, huge boobs and no blemishes staring out from the cover--not just Martha Stewart Living. It's no wonder the grocery store checkout line is known as the "boner chute."

This colloquialism was submitted by Gertrude Weinbauer, Food Lion #1557.

Complaints and checkout erections aside, it's not our fault the media is presenting this airbrushed picture of what women should look like, or that real-world women are buying into it. If you ladies don't have the sense to know that it's all a sham, then maybe you deserve your crippling body image diseases.

When actually ...

Men are starting to feel the exact same pressures to look perfect. A recent study commissioned by Harvard found that a full 25 percent of people with eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia are men.

Look at that asshole, just brushing his teeth all the live-long day. How can a real man compete with that?

The effect that these media portrayals have is real and the body image problem has jumped the gender barrier, so stick that in your overly tanned, sharply chiseled faces, men. Surveys show that a growing percentage of dudes believe that the only attractive male physique is an extremely muscular one, and they are going to great lengths to attain it.

Typically, that means consuming large amounts of protein, obsessing about their weight and working out so much it interferes with other parts of their lives. It doesn't even matter that in the media, the dudes who have chiseled bodies tend to be douchebags.

They were right! We were just jealous this whole time!

#2.

Women Aren't as Good at Math

This stereotype isn't as in-your-face as the others on the list, but it's there. If you look around at the people who hold most of the science, technology and engineering jobs in the world today, you'll quickly be tempted to ask, "Hey, where are all the chicks?" Anyone who's ever spent time around a college math lab, a corporate IT department or an engineering firm will notice a preponderance of dudes with skinny arms, ironic T-shirts and Tron collectibles.

And very few women.

This shortage of women in science and technology fields has given birth to the idea that maybe women just aren't as talented or as interested in those areas as men. Or more specifically, that they aren't as good at math, which is kind of the underpinning of the whole shebang. If you're not good at math, you're going to make a crappy scientist, right? And if women aren't well represented in the sciences, doesn't it follow that they're just not as skilled at mathematics?

When actually ...

Janet Hyde from the University of Wisconsin-Madison compiled math test scores and SAT results from more than seven million students, and found absolutely no difference in scores between males and females. So if girls have a mathematical aptitude equal to that of their testicled counterparts at the end of high school, why aren't they moving forward into scientific careers in greater numbers?

Why the hell not?

Well, the answer is nobody really knows. But right now, most researchers are leaning toward causes with social and environmental origins. One recent study found that teachers in grade school can impart their own anxieties about math to their female students, engendering a belief that boys will always be better at math than girls.

Another potential environmental explanation is social identity threat. This is a phenomenon in which knowledge of a stereotype actually makes you fail--thereby validating the stereotype. It's like a Catch-22, but with breasts. In either case, the next time you're trying to impress some girl with your knowledge of isotopes and quadratic equations, just remember that there's an even chance that she's actually better at that shit than you are. Calculate that, Poindexter.

#1.

Most Victims of Domestic Violence Are Women

Making jokes about domestic violence is about as awesome as making jokes about genocide. So we'll skip the hilarity and go straight to the stereotype about spouse abuse: If you're talking about one person beating up another in the home, you're probably talking about the man beating up the woman. That's why everyone believes that bullshit statistic about spousal abuse skyrocketing on Super Bowl Sunday. Men are bigger, women are weaker. Men are more aggressive, more violent, more prone to jealousy, and women are their usual victims.

When actually ...

Women are more likely to abuse, stalk and attack their partners than men are.

And there are literally hundreds of scientific studies with sample sizes in the thousands to back up this assertion. In the world of gender research, domestic violence is a subject that has been studied over and over again. The evidence is clear: When couples resort to physical violence, more often than not it's the woman who attacks the man first.

Hey Internet, what's the name for this fetish?

Consider this write-up from a study by Straus and Ramirez: "When only one partner was violent it was twice as likely to be the female than the male. Moreover, in terms of severe aggression females were twice as likely to be violent than men." Holy shit, ladies. Time to chill the fuck out.

If you're wondering why you've never heard these stats before, there's the obvious fact that men are bigger and therefore more likely to hurt women, and deserve to get raped in prison. But it's probably also because men are less likely to report physical attacks to the authorities than women are. And for some reason, men are really really less likely to report having a foot broken off in their ass by a 110-pound woman.

"It was a Hitler. No, three Hitlers."

It's the same old story: The stereotype persists because we're ashamed that we don't conform to it. Whew, that's depressing. How about before we end the article and we all go crazy in the comments, we join together and look at this adorable little kitty who broke his little leg:

Awwww...

That's better.